Friendships can bring about some of life’s greatest joys and shared moments. But what happens when a friend makes you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells and doing something wrong? Even if she’s a close friend, it doesn’t mean she’s a “good” friend—in fact, it means she’s a toxic one.

“A toxic friendship is one where the rules go only one way,” explains Dr. Sherrie Campbell, PhD and author of Success Equations: A Path to Living An Emotionally Wealthy Life. “The toxic person always benefits while the healthy person is left confused, destroyed, and feeling like everything is her fault.”

The healthy friend can lose sleep over the situation, make errors at work, and find herself obsessing over why she isn’t “good enough.” Even when she stands up for herself, the toxic friend will shut her down, intimidate her with shards of the truth (i.e., “you got mad”), and make her feel indebted with reminders of “all the things I’ve done for you” which were calculated from the get-go. It forms a really difficult relationship for the healthy person to navigate and bring to an end. “It’s a type of bullying,” Campbell says, that causes extreme emotional damage.”

Toxic people vs. healthy people

Toxic people lack empathy and personal insight; they seem courageous because they always speak up (though what they say is mostly negative), but in reality  they’re insecure. Yes, toxic people have feelings—but their feelings are only for themselves, not their friends.

Toxic female relationships are especially unique. “Women don’t have the overt physical power that men do, so they can be much meaner,” says Campbell. “An emotionally unhealthy woman will cut from all angles out of jealousy; she’ll clan up, get your other friends involved, and destroy those friendships, too.” And the more she has to compare—kids, marriage, jobs, money—the meaner she will be.

Emotional abuse and “faux-pologies”

Toxic relationships are extremely hard to define because there are no physical scars; emotional abuse runs deep and is difficult to prove. Plus, we’re all imperfect human beings who act unfair and selfish at times—but a healthy person will genuinely apologize for one-off conduct, while a toxic person exhibits these behaviors unapologetically because in her mind, she’s always right. She may give you a faux-pology (“sorry you feel that way” or “you’re being too sensitive”), but that’s slyly placing the blame on you.

And so begins the vicious cycle. A normal, healthy adult cannot grasp such heinous behavior so she’ll look to validate what the toxic friend is saying. “We inadvertently help our own abuse because we think there has to be a reason for the toxic person’s bullying accusations when there simply isn’t,” says Campbell.

Toxicity is progressive

Long-term friendships can also become toxic, and these are the hardest relationships to realize. How is it possible to not recognize the person your close friend has become over time?

Toxicity is progressive: the more a toxic person can master manipulation, the more she’ll continue to do it, causing her abhorrent behavior to get shockingly worse with age.

But somewhere deep down, the toxic person was always toxic. We often befriend new people in times of vulnerability: when we’re young, pregnant, or in a new place. Everyone is nicer—and a toxic person will try to emulate the healthy person’s demeanor. “A toxic woman must always be the expert, so she seeks good behavior to copy without having to do any of the work,” explains Campbell. “But being nice isn’t natural to her, and as soon as she realizes she isn’t better than you, she will be mean in attempt to destroy what she envies.”

Let silence be the final word

While it’s much easier said than done, the only way to get out of a toxic relationship is to completely cut ties with the toxic friend—no explanation given. “People don’t change and empathy is not something a person can learn,” says Campbell. “If she has a thread to you, she will manipulate it by trying to get you back to bring you down again, or to trash-talk you behind your back.”

So you have to walk away, suppress any urge to reach out to her, and block her from all social channels. Social media smear campaigns are big these days, and if that happens, unfortunately, others will believe the toxic person because she’s scary. She’ll tarnish your positive reputation—something healthy people care about—with no remorse.

And most importantly, don’t answer her when she tries to “apologize” (she will, Campbell assures) “Toxic people want emotional reactions and attention, and that’s it,” explains Campbell. “She doesn’t care if you’re giving her the positive attention of love or the negative attention of tears, which means the only thing you can do is not react.”

I didn’t want Kathleen to go through cancer treatments alone. As a neighbor in Delray Beach, Florida, I has seen Kathleen every day, coming and going across the courtyard of our condos. We were close enough that if she had baked a pie and I showed up at her door, she didn’t have to ask why I came over or what I wanted; she’d just say “It’s on the counter.” But now I lived three hours away on the opposite side of the state. What could I do?

I envisioned organizing a group of devoted friends to take Kathleen to her doctor appointments, chemo, clean her house, cook and deliver healthy food, transport her child to play dates, and play with her dog. But when I called my dear friend Jo Lynne’s sister to find out what was the most important thing I could do to help – since she had taken Jo to all her chemo appointments for five years until she died from breast cancer that had metastasized – she said, “Realize it is her journey, not yours.”

Kathleen had decided not to say anything to her 11-year-old daughter and didn’t want to take a chance on her hearing about it from someone else. That left out moms of school friends and neighborhood moms for support. Working out of her home office for a company in New Jersey, she didn’t have co-workers to pitch in. Plus she is very independent and stubborn and didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. She was the strong one on whom everyone leaned. Elizabeth, another good friend from the courtyard, and I decided we were going to walk through this with Kathleen together. There was nothing we wanted more than to support her.

Here is what I learned as a support person for a friend going through cancer treatment.

-Doctor Appointments

Getting a cancer diagnosis is so disorienting and scary for most people that it helps to have someone who will drive to and from the doctor and take notes, maybe even ask questions that you and your friend have discussed but that she forgot to ask because of nerves and anxiety. This is not a light commitment. There are the first attempts at gathering information, and then getting a second, or even third opinion; plus loads of tests. Living in the same city, Elizabeth took on this role. She would communicate to me afterwards as it only added to Kathleen’s fears to relive these conversations. She had enough on her plate.

-Chemo Treatments

The plan for Kathleen was to have four intense chemo treatments, each three weeks apart, to shrink the tumors before lung surgery. Because I have flexibility in my work assignments, I decided to go to Kathleen’s chemo treatments and stay with her at her house for three to five days afterwards while she recovered. These were not two to three hour sessions by the way. For the first treatment Kathleen was at the clinic for 10 hours. It generally took five to six hours to administer all the bags of fluids, plus time for appointments.

My job was to be Kathleen’s emotional support as well as to offer diversion and run interference when needed. For instance, one nurse could not set the needle in the vein. The pain and tears on Kathleen’s face as she was probed and her hand began swelling was a shock to me, as well as the unsympathetic response of the nurse. It was brutal. Finally the nursing supervisor was called and expertly eased the needle into a vein, with warm reassurance. It takes a special person to be a cancer nurse. Do not hesitate to request a different one.

Our routine was that I would drive from the Gulf Coast to the Atlantic Coast the day before chemo. Kathleen’s daughter would stay with her dad until Kathleen was over the worst of her nausea and exhaustion following her treatment. At the clinic, I hung out with Kathleen until after we had some lunch, and then ran errands or went back to her house and rested while Kathleen napped because I got exhausted too. When I returned,Kathleen would be bloated and swollen from all the fluids being pumped into her. It was an effort for her to move let alone follow all the instructions for care once she was home, one of which was to push even more fluids, the last thing anyone would want to do. I made sure she kept drinking water and taking her anti-nausea pills.

-Aftercare

We found that it helped to have some chicken soup to stave off nausea as soon as Kathleen got home. We watched shows she had taped like Dr. Phil and Judge Judy. It was good diversion to gossip about the people on TV, and share our best life stories to keep her mind off her hot and cold flushes and nausea. I had thought that the main thing she needed was uninterrupted sleep, but soon understood her fatigue was in the blood. It was the chemo doing its job of killing bad cells. Sleep didn’t really touch that level of weariness. But laughing did.

-Food

I don’t cook, so I enlisted Elizabeth and another friend of Kathleen’s who regularly prepares nutritious, delicious food. They came through with wonderful soups and organic ice cubes of healthy juices. I thought it was great, but for Kathleen with her nausea, nothing really appealed. She did better with small portions of comfort food since she wasn’t eating much anyway.

-Advice

A friend’s first impulse is to find out everything possible about a disease. That’s fine. But you don’t have to tell the patient about your discoveries. Do not relay statistics related to successful (or not) outcomes or push alternative treatments unless that information is requested. Your friend is living with and feeling the overwhelming impact and implications of the disease. That’s enough. Kathleen says the best thing you can do for your friend is to be there for emotional support.

Judy Kirkwood writes articles for print and web publications – national, regional, and local; is a contributing writer to Simply the Best and Boca Raton Observer magazines in South Florida; and plays on the beach and in the pool year-round. Visit her on Facebook @JudysFlorida and please visit www.JudysFlorida.com. 

Editor’s note: In the interest of preserving the privacy of the author’s friend, the image accompanying this article is a stock photo rather than a photo of the author’s friend. 

A release from the university explains that In a pair of studies involving nearly 280,000 people, William Chopik found that friendships become increasingly important to one’s happiness and health across the lifespan. Not only that, but in older adults, friendships are actually a stronger predictor of health and happiness than relationships with family members.

The release quotes Chopnik, an assistant professor of psychology, as saying, “Friendships become even more important as we age. Keeping a few really good friends around can make a world of difference for our health and well-being. So it’s smart to invest in the friendships that make you happiest.”

For the first study, Chopik analyzed survey information about relationships and self-rated health and happiness from 271,053 participants of all ages from nearly 100 countries. The second study looked at data from a separate survey about relationship support/strain and chronic illness from 7,481 older adults in the United States.

According to the first study, both family and friend relationships were linked to better health and happiness overall, but only friendships became a stronger predictor of health and happiness at advanced ages.

The second study also showed that friendships were very influential – when friends were the source of strain, participants reported more chronic illnesses; when friends were the source of support, participants were happier.

Chopik said that may be because of the optional nature of relationships – that over time, we keep the friends we like and make us feel good and discard the rest. Friends also can provide a source of support for people who don’t have spouses or for those who don’t lean on family in times of need. Friends can also help prevent loneliness in older adults who may experience bereavement and often rediscover their social lives after they retire.

Family relationships are often enjoyable too, Chopik said, but sometimes they involve serious, negative and monotonous interactions.

“There are now a few studies starting to show just how important friendships can be for older adults. Summaries of these studies show that friendships predict day-to-day happiness more and ultimately how long we’ll live, more so than spousal and family relationships,” he said.

Friendships often take a “back seat” in relationships research, Chopik added, which is strange, especially considering that they might be more influential for our happiness and health than other relationships.

“Friendships help us stave off loneliness but are often harder to maintain across the lifespan,” he said. “If a friendship has survived the test of time, you know it must be a good one – a person you turn to for help and advice often and a person you wanted in your life.”

Don’t Say Nothing. Your loved one needs you now more than they ever have before, and your silence will be misinterpreted as not caring or abandonment.

Do Try Simple Statements of Support.  Simple words like, “I am sorry you’re going through this” or “We are thinking of you” will mean the world to your loved one and will tell them that you acknowledge the challenges they are facing and are there for them.

Don’t Offer To Help Without Specifics. Most people who are used to being independent and self-reliant find it very hard to ask for help when they become ill, no matter how much they need it. General offers of “Let me know if I can do anything to help” will rarely get a response, even if your friend desperately needs help.

Do Help in Specific Ways. Call your family member and tell her you are going to the grocery store anyway and ask what you can pick up for her. Bring a prepared meal to your friend’s house, so she doesn’t have to worry about cooking (just call early in the day so she can plan ahead). Offer to come by on a Saturday (perhaps with help) and clean her house. If your loved one has children, the best thing you can do is pick them up to take them out somewhere – the kids need the fun & time away from the illness and your loved one needs rest.

Don’t Offer Unsolicited Advice. Your loved one has medical professionals for treatment advice. Even when your intentions are good, unsolicited suggestions are often misconstrued. Telling your friend that your brother’s wife’s second cousin was miraculously cured by XYZ Is not helpful because every case is unique. When I first became ill with a serious immune disorder, I heard things like “you should take vitamins,” and “just get outside more.” These well-meaning suggestions made me feel like my loved ones didn’t understand the severity of my illness.

Do Pass Along Scientific Studies (But Not Too Often). The exception is if you come across a new study that is completely relevant to your loved one’s condition – perhaps a new treatment or research that helps unravel the mysteries behind a disease. Then, do send a link or print a page for your friend or family member to share with his doctor. When a new study was recently published about my illness, I was very touched when several healthy friends sent me links. It showed me that they understood and cared. Just don’t inundate your sick friend with too much information.

Don’t Make Unplanned Visits or Phone Calls. People who are chronically ill sometimes just need to be alone and rest. Always call (or text or e-mail) to find out if your loved one is up for visitors. Sometimes, even phone calls can be overwhelming for a sick person. If you do visit or call, keep it short (unless you are there to help around the house!)

Do Show Your Support. Even if your loved one isn’t up for visits or phone calls, you can still show your support. In fact, it will be greatly appreciated because being housebound is incredibly isolating. Send a card, write a letter or e-mail, leave a voicemail, send a package, or do something to help her (see above). During the early years of my illness, one friend told me she’d left a surprise at my front door. It was just a card, some wildflowers she’d picked, and a book, but it meant the world to me and reminded me that I hadn’t been forgotten. Another friend from far away sent me a care package during a particularly rough time.

Don’t Pretend Everything Is Fine. When you do see or talk to your loved one, don’t act falsely cheerful and pretend everything is OK. Though you may think your friend needs “cheering up,” that will be experienced as not acknowledging what she is going through. It is incredibly painful to be suffering and to have those around you pretending everything is normal.

Do Acknowledge the Illness & Show Interest. The best approach is to accept the illness matter-of-factly and follow the lead of your loved one. If they want to talk about it, be a good listener (remember, no advice!). If they’d rather hear about your life and the outside world, fill them in. When they are feeling poorly, don’t ignore that but address it straightforwardly (see above on what to say). Your loved one will go through the stages of grief, so his or her anger or sadness should be acknowledged, not ignored.

Don’t Pity or Judge Your Loved One. Of course, you feel bad that your friend or family member is suffering, but there is nothing worse than seeing a look of pity in someone’s eyes. Try hard not to judge your loved one, either. It happens often with those who are chronically ill. Friends and family question their diagnosis, subtly (sometimes not so subtly) blame them for their illness, or question the treatments used or the choices made by the patient.

Do Show Compassion, Empathy, and Acceptance. Instead of pity, show compassion and empathy. What’s the difference? Empathy is putting yourself in their shoes, imagining what they are going through. Compassion is showing that you care, through both words and actions. What a chronically ill person most wants is simple understanding and acceptance. Recognize that they know more about their condition and their limits than you do. Accept that this is their new life, while acknowledging that they are still the same person you care for.

Don’t Take Cancellations or Absences Personally. Chronic illnesses are unpredictable. Your loved one probably feels OK some days (or hours) and incapacitated others. When you make plans together, your sick friend or family member may need to cancel at the last minute. Or perhaps he was able to attend one event but not the one you invited him to. It is not by choice; he is at the mercy of the disease. Don’t begrudge her that rare occasion out, even if it is not with you, and don’t take it personally when she has to cancel plans again. Drop your own expectations and biases and just accept her limits.

Do Keep Inviting! No matter how many times your friend has to cancel, keep including her and inviting her so that she knows she is not forgotten. I love to get together with my two closest friends for lunch or a short walk, but I often have to cancel at the last minute. I feel blessed that they both understand and accept my limits…and keep asking me!

With these tips, you can provide the support that your loved one needs. Above all, don’t forget about your loved one, even if she is stuck at home most (or all) of the time for years. My psychologist referred to this as “empathy fatigue,” that after awhile, people get worn out from trying to be supportive and just disappear. It’s incredibly painful to lose a friend because you got sick. Just check in once in a while, send a card, offer (specific!) help, and above all, let your friend or family member know that you are thinking of them and that they are not forgotten. What they most need from you is simple acceptance and compassion.

Suzan Jackson’s articles, essays, and reviews have appeared in a wide variety of both print and online publications, and she has been a frequent contributor to FamilyFun magazine (circulation 2 million) for over 10 years. She has written specifically on health-related topics for a variety of websites, including a monthly article for ProHealth. Please visit http://suzanjackson.homestead.com/clips.html and http://livewithcfs.blogspot.com/

An August 2016 release from the university explains that Jeffrey Hall, associate professor of communication studies, found that people are actually quite adept at discerning the difference between using social media and having an honest-to-goodness social interaction. The results of his studies appear in the journal New Media & Society.

The release quotes Hall as saying,”There is a tendency to equate what we do on social media as if it is social interaction, but that does not reflect people’s actual experience using it. All of this worry that we’re seeking out more and more social interaction on Facebook is not true. Most interactions are face to face, and most of what we consider social interaction is face to face.”

According to Hall, social media is more like old-fashioned people watching. “Liking” something is similar to a head nod. It’s not social interaction, but it’s acknowledging you are sharing space with someone else.

“Keeping tabs on other people sharing our social spaces is normal and part of what it means to be human,” Hall said.

Hall is no stranger to research on social media. New Media & Society published an earlier study of his that found people can accurately detect the personality traits of strangers through Facebook activity.

In his current paper in the journal, Hall details three studies. The first demonstrates that when using social media, most of us are engaged in passive behaviors that we don’t consider social interaction, like browsing others’ profiles and reading news articles.

The second diary study demonstrates that most of what we consider social interaction with people in our close circle of friends happens face to face. When interaction with these close others is through social media, it’s not something passive like browsing or “liking” but rather using chat or instant message functions.

Here’s where it gets interesting, Hall said. The first study found that chatting and commenting — things that we would even consider social interaction — are but 3.5 percent of our time on social media.

The third study had participants contacted at random times throughout the day. This study drives home how adept we are at separating social media use with social interaction. People reported 98 percent of their social interactions took some other way than through social media.

“Although people often socially interact and use social media in the same time period, people understand they are different things,” Hall said. “People feel a sense of relatedness when they’re interacting face to face, but using social media does not make them feel connected.”

All three studies, Hall said, circle around the idea that we still value face-to-face time with close others for the purpose of talking.

“If we want to have a conversation, we’re not using social media to do it,” he said.

The findings speak to a broader anxiety that many still have regarding social media.

“There’s a worry that people are seeking out more and more social interactions on Facebook and that social media is taking over our face-to-face time,” Hall said. “I’m saying, ‘Not so fast.’ People use social media to people-watch and still seem to enjoy a good face-to-face conversation.”

What can you do when others don’t share your passion or perspective, when resistance to your ideas is taking its toll on you? Often, it’s best to wait until the timing is right and circumstances change. Some of those you wish would change their minds may need more information, or more time to adjust to your ideas. They may need some reassurances. If you listen carefully, you may find they have helpful insights into potential problems you may be overlooking in your zeal to move forward at full speed. Especially when you are trying to enact change that involves a large group of people, or a group or institution that has many rules and traditions, you can find it hard to convince others to move as quickly as you would like them to. It’s good to remember there are advantages to operating slowly and thoughtfully, and that often, you are well served by slowing down rather than forcing change upon those who resist it.

Perhaps you can bring about a good-enough outcome by going with the flow and offering guidance to those reluctant to move forward rather than taking the helm to force your way through whitewater rapids. These “rapids” might include challenges such as new skills that people would have to attain, new knowledge they would need to acquire, and new resources that have to be brought into the organization. Your priorities may not be other people’s priorities. Forcing matters may simply make them feel unheard and disrespected. Patience and a gentler approach may be needed.

Maybe the change has to begin with you: You may need to learn something new, join others in developing new skills, or take a different tack. While change is hard, sometimes, it is you that is making it hard by trying to force change on others. So if you’re meeting resistance to what seem to you to be great ideas for changing a situation for the better, slow down. Ask yourself why you feel it’s so important to move ahead immediately and get others to change their minds. Is it possible that you’re letting your anxieties or fears get the better of you? What is the rush? How much progress would be enough for you to be able to release your frustration and be satisfied with the pace of change? Very often, you can be better off taking a gentler route, knowing you’ll get into calmer waters eventually.

You have the choice to force matters, let things happen at their own pace, or find a different way to address your need for change. Is there a set of circumstances that you wish to transform, or ideas you want to implement? Are you putting pressure on other people to make decisions, agree with you, or alter their behavior, and feeling upset by their resistance? Might you and the situation—and the other people involved—benefit from a different, softer, less aggressive approach? Might others be more motivated if you were to become less forceful in trying to convince them to go along with your plan?

Of course, if you wait too long or settle for minimal or no progress toward making change, you can find yourself waiting in vain for external forces to resolve a problem. When you are involved in the problem, you may need to be an active part of the solution. Yet perhaps the obstacle is that the specific changes you’re seeking are the wrong ones. Are you truly listening to those who are resisting your proposed changes?

Another possibility is that to bring about transformation, you need to work with different people. Everyone is capable of transforming their minds and hearts, but not everyone is willing to change according to your vision and timetable. Sometimes, one person who acts as a chronic naysayer may be holding others back from opening up to change.

When you feel you have become like Sisyphus, pushing a boulder up a hill again and again with no appreciation or help, remember the outcome of that ancient myth. Alone, Sisyphus was able to push the boulder up a mountain, but would then have to watch the stone roll back down again, every time. This is what can happen when you are too intently focused on trying to get your way. Maybe you need others to help you push that boulder up the mountain and keep it there!

So if you are hitting up against resistance and a lack of support for the changes you seek, step back for a moment to assess what obstacles you are facing. Access the wisdom of your unconscious mind, using shamanic or Jungian techniques (several of which I describe in my book Change Your Story, Change Your Life). Begin the process of working with these techniques by asking the questions, “What is standing in the way of transformation, and what can I do to improve the situation?” Be open to unexpected answers. In this way, it will be easier to discern whether to continue trying to make things happen, to approach the situation differently, or to wait for a situation to resolve on its own.

Carl Greer, PhD, PsyD is a practicing clinical psychologist, Jungian analyst, and shamanic practitioner. His shamanic work is drawn from a mix of North American and South American indigenous traditions and is influenced by Jungian analytic psychology. He has worked or trained with shamans on five continents and trained at Dr. Alberto Villoldo’s Healing the Light Body School, where he has taught. Carl Greer is involved in various businesses and charities, teaches at the Jung Institute in Chicago, is on the staff of the Lorene Replogle Counseling Center, and holds workshops on shamanic topics. He is the author of Change Your Story, Change Your Life: Using Shamanic and Jungian Tools to Achieve Personal Transformation by Carl Greer © 2014, Findhorn Press. Now available at Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com

In six studies with more than 4,600 participants, researchers found an almost even split between people who tended to value their time or money, and that choice was a fairly consistent trait both for daily interactions and major life events.

“It appears that people have a stable preference for valuing their time over making more money, and prioritizing time is associated with greater happiness,” said lead researcher Ashley Whillans, a doctoral student in social psychology at the University of British Columbia. The findings were published online in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

The researchers found an almost even split with slightly more than half of the participants stating they prioritized their time more than money. Older people also were more likely to say they valued their time compared to younger people.

“As people age, they often want to spend time in more meaningful ways than just making money,” Whillans said.

The researchers conducted separate surveys with a nationally representative sample of Americans, students at the University of British Columbia, and adult visitors of a science museum in Vancouver. Some of the studies used real-world examples, such as asking a participant whether he would prefer a more expensive apartment with a short commute or a less expensive apartment with a long commute. A participant also could choose between a graduate program that would lead to a job with long hours and a higher starting salary or a program that would result in a job with a lower salary but fewer hours.

A participant’s gender or income didn’t affect whether they were more likely to value time or money, although the study didn’t include participants living at the poverty level who may have to prioritize money to survive.

“Our research shows that when we help others we can also help ourselves,” explains study author Emily Ansell of the Yale University School of Medicine. “Stressful days usually lead us to have a worse mood and poorer mental health, but our findings suggest that if we do small things for others, such as holding a door open for someone, we won’t feel as poorly on stressful days.”

We often turn to others for social support when we’re feeling stressed, but these new results suggest that proactively doing things for others may be another effective strategy for coping with everyday worries and strains.

Laboratory-based experiments have shown that providing support can help individuals cope with stress, increasing their experiences of positive emotion. To investigate whether this holds true in the context of everyday functioning in the real world, Ansell and co-authors Elizabeth B. Raposa (UCLA and Yale University School of Medicine) and Holly B. Laws (Yale University School of Medicine) conducted a study in which people used their smartphones to report on their feelings and experiences in daily life.

A total of 77 adults, ranging from 18 to 44 years old, participated in the 14-day study; people with substance dependences, diagnosed mental illness, or cognitive impairment were not included for participation.

The participants received an automated phone reminder every night that prompted them to complete their daily assessment. They were asked to report any stressful life events they experienced that day across several domains (e.g., interpersonal, work/education, home, finance, health/accident) and the total number of events comprised the measure of daily stress. They were also asked to report whether they had engaged in various helpful behaviors (e.g., held open a door, helped with schoolwork, asked someone if they needed help) that day.

The participants also completed a 10-item short-form of the Positive and Negative Affect Scale, a well-validated measure of experienced emotion, and they were asked to rate their mental health for that day using a slider on a scale that ranged from 0 (poor) to 100 (excellent).

The results indicated that helping others boosted participants’ daily well-being. A greater number of helping behaviors was associated with higher levels of daily positive emotion and better overall mental health.

And participants’ helping behavior also influenced how they responded to stress. People who reported lower-than-usual helping behavior reported lower positive emotion and higher negative emotion in response to high daily stress. Those who reported higher-than-usual levels of helping behavior, on the other hand, showed no dampening of positive emotion or mental health, and a lower increase in negative emotion, in response to high daily stress. In other words, helping behavior seemed to buffer the negative effects of stress on well-being.

“It was surprising how strong and uniform the effects were across daily experiences,” says Ansell. “For example, if a participant did engage in more prosocial behaviors on stressful days there was essentially no impact of stress on positive emotion or daily mental health. And there was only a slight increase in negative emotion from stress if the participant engaged in more prosocial behaviors.”

The researchers note that additional studies will be necessary to determine whether the findings hold across ethnically and culturally diverse populations.

A particularly important avenue for future investigation, the researchers say, is to determine whether actively prompting people to engage in more helping behavior can further improve their mood and mental health.

The study, published in October 2015 in the Royal Society’sOpen Science journal, looked at how people attending adult education classes grew closer over seven months. The conclusion was that singing groups bonded more quickly than creative writing or craft classes.

Dr. Eiluned Pearce, from Oxford’s Department of Experimental Psychology led the research. A release from the university quotes Dr. Pearce as saying, “One of the key differences between humans and other primates is that we can exist in much larger social groups. Singing is found in all human societies and can be performed to some extent by the vast majority of people. It’s been suggested that singing is one of the ways in which we build social cohesion when there isn’t enough time to establish one-to-one connections between everyone in a group.

‘We wanted to explore whether there was something special about singing as a bonding behaviour or whether any group activity would build bonds between members.”

To test the theory, the researchers worked with charity the Workers’ Educational Association (WEA), the UK’s largest voluntary sector provider of adult education. The WEA set up seven courses, four in singing, two in crafts and one in creative writing. Each course, made up of weekly sessions, was run over seven months, with a break in the middle.

Those attending the classes were given surveys before and after individual sessions in the first month, in the third month and at the end of the seven-month course. In it, they were asked to rate how close they felt to their classmates.

Dr. Pearce said, “We had expected the singing classes to feel closer to each other than the other classes at the end of the seven months. However, we found something different.

“For every class, people felt closer to each other at the end of each two-hour session than they did at the start. At the end of the seven months, all the classes were reporting similar levels of closeness.

“The difference between the singers and the non-singers appeared right at the start of the study. In the first month, people in the singing classes became much closer to each other over the course of a single class than those in the other classes did. Singing broke the ice better than the other activities, getting the group together faster by giving a boost to how close classmates felt towards each other right at the start of the course.

“In the longer term, it appears that all group activities bring people together similar amounts. In non-singing classes ties strengthened as people talked to each other either during lessons or during breaks. But this is the first clear evidence that singing is a powerful means of bonding a whole group simultaneously.’

Howard Croft, WEA Project Manager, said, “We’re really pleased to have taken part in this experiment, which has shown that singing can be a great way to form close bonds with others. Feeling connected to those around you, be it friends or family, is one of the key ways to improve your wellbeing. Adult education of every kind can help improve mental health and boost self-esteem, but singing together is a uniquely communal experience that can foster better relations between people from all walks of life.”

The research is part of a series of studies looking at how music leads to social bonding. Co-author Dr. Jacques Launay said, “Given that music-making is an important part of all human cultures throughout history we think it probably evolved to serve some purpose. Evidence suggests that the really special thing that music does for us is encourage social bonding between whole groups of people playing and dancing together.”

Dr. Pearce added, “Really close relationships still depend on interactions between individuals or much smaller groups, but this study shows singing can kick start the bonding process.”

Image credit: The University of Oxford

A release from the publisher reports that people without in-person social contact with adult children, other family members, and friends at least every few months had a significantly higher probability of clinically significant depressive symptoms two years later (11.5%) compared with those having in-person contact once or twice a month (8.1%) or once or twice a week (7.3%).

The release quotes lead author Dr. Alan Teo as saying, “This study shows that meeting up and connecting with people face-to-face is good medicine for depression prevention. As opportunities for connecting grow with social media, I hope we can study more how different ways of connecting influence mental health.”