The study examined whether becoming a volunteer at the time of widowhood is associated with reducing the risks of loneliness, which is a significant public health concern, particularly for those who have lost a spouse, linked to poorer physical health, depression and even earlier mortality. The findings are published in The Journals of Gerontology, Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences.

A release from the university quotes Dr. Ben Lennox Kail, co-author of the study and assistant professor of sociology at Georgia State University, as saying, “Becoming a widow is one of the most difficult transitions that people face later in life. We found that for people in general, widowhood was associated with increased loneliness over time. Among people who became widowed, if they started volunteering 100 hours per year, which is about two hours per week, this reduced loneliness to an extent that they almost look exactly like those people who never became widowed at all.”

The researchers analyzed data from 5,882 married adults, ages 51 and older, who completed the Health and Retirement Study, which was given every two years and collected information on family, health and volunteer engagement. Using data from 2006 to 2014 for individuals who were married and either remained continuously married or became widowed, the researchers determined the relationship between loneliness and becoming widowed and whether the loneliness from losing a spouse was reduced by volunteering.

The survey asked questions about volunteer status and how much time was spent volunteering for an organization during the previous year. Participants could choose from three categories: one to 99 hours per year, 100 to 199 hours per year and 200 or more hours per year.

The study found loneliness was significantly higher in those who become widowed compared to those who stay continuously married. However, starting to volunteer two or more hours per week resulted in decreased loneliness, with levels of loneliness similar to those of continuously married individuals volunteering at the same intensity. The findings suggest higher intensity volunteering (about two hours per week) as a potential intervention for alleviating loneliness in older adults who have recently become widowed.

“Volunteering only matters for people’s loneliness when they’ve experienced the loss of social integration that results from widowhood,” Kail said. “It also suggests something that I think is particularly interesting. When you experience loneliness that is because of some kind of loss, even if you’re robustly integrated, that loss is meaningful to you. So if you have this robust social network, and you then experience some loss, what you need to do is begin something new. It’s the new social integration that can make up for loss.”

###

Co-authors of the study include Dawn C. Carr of Florida State University, Christina Matz-Costa of Boston College and Yochai Z. Shavit of Stanford University.

You lose someone you love. It feels terrible. You cope with the shock. You mourn and you grieve. You wait patiently…and subsequently impatiently…for the time to arrive when life will resume some semblance of normalcy. The time arrives, the pain finally “disappears”…and you continue forward.

If only grief were that simple; that linear in nature.

Reality is just a bit different.

What happens when grief is not immediately addressed, confronted and “gone through” in the ways that can bring healing? What if your grief was inadvertently put on a back-burner (for numerous reasons) or even absent altogether? Does a delay of the grieving process mean that you are denied the opportunity and / or the right to grieving process?

*****

The questions loom large and often:

** “My husband died three years ago and I’m in more pain now than I was the first week after he died.”  

** “I have been a widow for many years now and it is still very devastating.”

** “I am just ‘going through the motions.’ It has been years and I still can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

** “I’m not even sure I liked my husband when he died. I know I wasn’t in love with him anymore. So why does his dying hurt so much?”

** “We’ve been divorced for decades. People keep asking me why I’m upset [at his passing] and I don’t have an answer because I don’t know.

Let’s first look at the complexion of grief by using a physical example. Have you ever had any kind of dental work; even just a filling? The answer is likely yes. After the dentist is finished drilling or pounding or extracting, you leave the dental office; still numb, probably talking funny and trying to appear normal. Now, fast forward a few hours when the dental anesthetic begins to slowly wear off. What happens? It hurts—a lot.

Similarly, one of the most common reasons that people may feel worse as time passes post-loss or feel as if they are “going backward” in their grief recovery, is that the emotional “anesthetic” – the “fog” that grief mercifully provides in order to cushion you against the shock of your loss—has begun to wear off. Just as happens when the dental anesthetic begins to diminish, the emotional anesthetic that has numbed you against your loss begins to lift as life gradually begins to resume. As the fog of loss lessens, the pain becomes more acute and more real. Factor in that things like legal and financial matters, transitioning children who have lost a parent and / or returning to work can also serve to postpone confronting your own grief, with which you may just now be starting to cope.

Another reason that you may be feeling your emotional pain more acutely with the passage of time is that you did not allow yourself adequate time to heal initially. There is no shame in that of course, but as my mother used to tell me, “If you skip over any part of your life, at some point in time, you will go back to retrieve it”…and the fact is that grief is a part of your life that, painful though it may be, you cannot simply circumvent.

For whatever reasons — it was too difficult for you to be alone and you re-involved in a relationship just a bit prematurely; a friend or relative told you that you should be “over it” and you believed them; you busied yourself to distraction with work, children or both — at the time of your loss, you were not permitted to truly grieve and accept that which had happened to you. Now, all of the shut-away and pushed-down grief has finally bubbled to the surface of your soul and like it or not, it is time to pay attention.

Still another very common grief delay / grief discovery scenario involves those who were estranged, divorced or otherwise had some sort of animosity toward and with the person lost. Many people (both the bereaved and those who surround them) somehow get it into their heads that there is no “entitlement“ to bereavement when there may have been bitterness, ill will or hostility involved at the end of a relationship.

There are several inaccuracies with this line of thinking:

1. Telling someone how they are feeling or how they should be feeling is like telling that same person that they are or should be left-handed when they are right-handed or vice-versa. People are who they are. People feel how they feel. People feel what they feel, exactly when they feel it.

You cannot permit someone to tell you how you are feeling or worse, how you “should be” feeling. You cannot allow anyone to infer that, “Your feelings aren’t hurt” if you are indeed hurting. You cannot listen to statements like, “It’s been “x” amount of time since So-and-So died, you shouldn’t be crying anymore”, if you are moved to cry. You cannot deny your entitlement to mourning; nor can you listen to anyone who insists otherwise.

2. Next, there is a plurality of loss involved with this particular scenario. There is the physical loss itself – but you have lost more than the physical presence itself. Though there may have been a history of hostility (perhaps even at the time of the loss), your relationship with the person lost was not always in that place. Relationships do not generally start out in an acrimonious place. Oftentimes, there are also warm and lovely memories and / or the promise of bright futures involved as well. During a time of grief, we drift back to the good, the warm, the lovely, the promising and at least momentarily allow the animus to fall to the wayside.

And that’s OK.

3. Still many others ensconce in the belief that “time heals all wounds” and that with the mere passage of time, the grief entirely disappears; just as in our linear illustration earlier. This is truly one of the biggest myths within the bereaved community and one that must be dispelled. There are many reasons why time simply does not heal all wounds as one might hope, but the primary reason is that a bereaved person’s “loss clock” function a bit differently from everyone else. For the bereaved, time…stops…at the moment of the loss. The life that you once knew…stops. The world that you once knew…stops. The anticipation of the future that you had carefully planned…stops. It takes a great deal of time to figure out how to even start up your life-clock again, since everything you once knew your life to be has been turned upside-down.

However, even though your clock has momentarily stopped, everyone else’s clock keeps right on ticking along. Time is passing for everyone else but you – because your life-clock stopped the moment that loss brought your world to a stop. How then can anyone say that “time heals all wounds” when each one of our time frames involve completely different time zones?

Time can temper and shift the rawness and intensity of the pain of loss. Time can alter the shape and complexion of loss – but the loss is always there. The grief is always a part of you. It never goes away. It changes shape, form and feature – but it does not disappear.

Think about this for a second. Envision anything that is exposed to nature…mountains, rocks, sand dunes…even Mt. Rushmore. Think about what happens to these things over time. Wind shifts formations. Rain and snow alters shape, appearance and textures – but the mountain remains. The rocks remain. Even the sand dunes are still there. The same can be said about your loss – time shifts the intensity, the shape and the complexion of loss, but the loss itself will always be there.

In other words, a healed wound does not mean a disappearing wound.

No matter the reasons, if you have experienced or are currently experiencing delayed grief, I strongly encourage you to go back to the “basics” of grief recovery. Even though you may be further away from your loss in terms of chronological time, you may very well need to visit the very basic first steps of healing. Establish (or re-establish) your basic routine by paying attention to your health and starting your recovery processes once again::

• Honestly recognize and honor your grief and all of the attendant feelings that it stirs within you; however those feelings manifest.

• Turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to anyone who offers negative opinion, i.e., “Why are you still sad?”; “You weren’t even speaking when he/she died, why do you even care?” A positive path to grief recovery begins by surrounding yourself with positivity and this is not it.

• Eat when your body asks you for food. Minimize fast food and junk food and choose lean proteins, fresh or frozen vegetables and fruits and whole grains; all nutritious, easy to prepare, and easy on the stomach. Rather than worry about sitting down to large meals or overwhelming amounts of food at one time (which can cause you to mentally overwhelm and shut down), concentrate instead on eating several small meals during the day to keep something in your stomach and your blood sugar stabilized.

• Aim for a regular nightly bedtime and a regular rising time in the morning. Do not exercise, do not start cleaning the house, do not start paying the bills, or otherwise engage in any physical or mentally stimulating or stressful activity right before bed. Give yourself a “cut off and calm down” period before bed, sending a message to your body that it is time to go to sleep. Enjoy a cup of herbal (decaffeinated) tea, read quietly, or write in a journal. In other words, use your actions to “tell” your body that the time for rest has arrived.

One of the things that I found very helpful at bedtime was setting a timer and listening to soothing music while I was drifting off. Another wonderful aid that I found was “soundscape” CDs, which are sold at many discount and specialty stores. All I have to do is listen to the sounds of the ocean for ten minutes and I am out like a light.

• Gentle exercise truly does wonders for both your soul and for your grief recovery and can consist something as simple as a brief walk. If it’s cold, bundle up; if it’s hot, wait until dusk, but commit to moving around just a little bit. At this moment in time, it is not about lifting weights or cardio or jumping around to the latest video. It is about moving, changing up your scenery, and giving yourself an opportunity to take a few deep breaths.

If working out is a regular part of your daily routine, and the thought of working out right now is not overwhelming to you, by all means, continue to work out in whatever way(s) you think best. Continuing a regular workout routine will not only keep your body strong, it will help you mentally as well.

• Consider a little extra-special self-attention, which need not be time consuming, expensive, or especially girly, if that’s not your style. Pampering can be twenty minutes in a tub with bath salts that you can get at your local discount store. It can be an afternoon of scent sampling and coffee. If you are not into doing the “girly thing,” that’s fine too – pampering can also consist of a few quiet moments at night or in the morning, perhaps spent with your faith or with other meditative pursuits. The goal is to do something to renew and revive you; making you better equipped to deal with your grieving process.

Most importantly, please remember that delayed grief should not and does not mean denied grief. On the contrary, delayed grief inevitably leads to discovered grief – and it is a grief that deserves to be recognized, honored and attended to as you see fit.

**IMPORTANT NOTE: You do not have to suffer through loss, grief or life-challenge alone. If you are in need of help in coping with loss of any kind, please do not hesitate to seek help from your doctor, a cleric, a mental health professional or anyone who is in a position to help you.

Carole Brody Fleet is the award-winning author of the forthcoming book, “Loss is a Four Letter Word…” (HCI Books, Fall 2018); as well as the #1 ranked release, “When Bad Things Happen to Good Women…” (Viva Editions), “Happily EVEN After… “(Viva Editions); winner of the prestigious Books for a Better Life Award, one of the top national awards in publishing and the critically praised, national bestseller, “Widows Wear Stilettos…” (New Horizon Press). A three-time contributor to the iconic Chicken Soup for the Soul book series and a veteran of over 1,000 radio shows, Ms. Fleet regularly appears as a media expert on numerous television and radio programs nationally and internationally; as well as in national and international print media. To learn more, please visit www.carolefleetspeaker.com and www.widowswearstilettos.com

Support groups have proved to be a helpful resource for those dealing with grief, but for older individuals, obstacles such as geographic location and physical immobility can sometimes make it difficult to attend support groups in person.

An effective option for older adults, according to University of Arizona research, might be an online virtual reality support group that allows widows and widowers to interact in real time with mental health professionals and other bereaved people, via a computer-generated avatar. The findings were published in May 2017 the journal Computers in Human Behavior.

A release from the university notes that Lindsey Knowles, a graduate student in clinical psychology at the UA, set out with her colleagues to test the effectiveness and acceptability of two web-based support resources for older adults who have lost a spouse.

In a study of 30 widows and widowers older than 50, some were assigned to be part of a virtual reality support group twice a week, while others instead were instructed to do once-weekly readings from a grief education website. The same topics — including physical health, mental well-being, sleep, dating, and parenting, among others — were addressed in both the interactive virtual group and the static online readings.

In follow-up assessments at the end of the eight-week study period and two months later, researchers found that participants in both groups showed improvements in stress, loneliness and sleep quality, but only participants in the virtual reality group showed self-reported improvement in symptoms of depression.

Researchers think the social support provided by the group, along with its interactive nature, helped with depression.

The release quotes Knowles as saying, “One of the best treatments for depression is behavioral activation. People who are depressed, or have more depressive symptoms, often remove themselves from their environment and from doing things that provide positive reinforcement and give them a sense of value. Showing up for a group twice a week — even if it is virtual — is a way for them to engage in the world that they haven’t been.”

Researchers used the online platform Second Life to create a private virtual living room in a seaside cabin, where small groups of three to six people could gather. Participants, who all had lost a partner in the last one to three years, chose avatars — or animated figures — to represent them in the space. Then, from the comfort of their own homes, they communicated with one another by typing in a chat program.

In the first hourlong virtual support group meeting each week, Knowles’ co-author, UA assistant professor of psychology Mary Frances-O’Connor, presented on a grief education topic by typing to those in the room. O’Connor previously had found virtual support groups to be an effective tool in her work with caregivers of individuals with Alzheimer’s disease and dementia.

Knowles moderated the second hourlong meeting each week, in which participants got to know one another and share their personal stories, often delving into feelings they might not be comfortable expressing in person.

“Group members often shared things like: ‘Right now I’m crying at my keyboard, and I would never do this in person, but because I feel like there’s this anonymity, I can break down, while my avatar looks perfectly fine,'” Knowles said.

In follow-up assessments, participants in the virtual reality group said they felt as if they were in a real room during the sessions, with real people who were going through similar experiences.

“There’s something to be said for getting into a group and showing up for that group every week, as well as being able to share your experience in a validating and normalizing environment,” Knowles said.

Those in the other study group — the ones assigned to do weekly readings from a grief education website — did not show improvement in depression. However, like the support group participants, they did report better sleep and less stress and loneliness after the intervention, which means the website could still be an effective tool for those who are grieving. It also requires fewer resources than a support group, which needs a dedicated moderator, Knowles said.

Overall, both interventions were well received by participants, Knowles said.

Future studies should consider how the effectiveness of virtual support groups and educational websites compares to that of in-person groups and the simple passage of time, Knowles said, noting that the aging population makes this as an especially important area of research.

“With the graying of America that is happening, we expect that more people are going to be widowed as baby boomers age,” Knowles said. “Losing a spouse is a huge life transition and a profoundly stressful event. All of us will experience different types of grief in our lives, and having accessible resources that are evidence-based is really important.”

“Don’t Speak”, song and lyrics by Eric Stefani and Gwen Stefani

When advising the bereaved (be it in-person or in writing), one of my most oft-repeated teachings is encouraging them to talk about their loss – their feelings, their fears, their anger, their uncertainties. I believe that continuing to express oneself throughout the grieving process (no matter how long that process may be) is a healthy, productive, and proactive way of coping.

However and unfortunately, a bereaved person can inadvertently choose the “wrong” set of ears with which to share their deepest, most intimate feelings surrounding their loss – and worse, they may not realize that this is a “wrong” person until that person makes the very insensitive attempt to shut off and shut down someone who is obviously in pain and looking for any number of things – solace, encouragement, strength, advice, hope…or perhaps just someone to hold a hand, wipe away a tear and gently say, “I understand”.

***********************

Susan A. recalls trying to talk about her late husband, only to be met by resistance from of all people, his own family. Susan shares, “[His family] continually asked me, ‘When are you going to get over it and get on with your life?’ I was surprised when friends did [the same thing]. Some went through his entire illness with us, but after his death, they did not want to even hear his name. They would tell me, ‘You talk about him too much – you need to get over it’. When this happens you are numb and in shock. It is like being stabbed in the heart. Even after [many] years, it takes your breath away.”

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I have long taught that every person in the world can be categorized into one of two columns: Energy Givers and Energy Drainers. Energy Givers are fantastic; they are the people for whom you are better for having spent time in their space. Conversely, if you spend enough time with an Energy Drainer, you will feel like someone let all of the air out of your tires. When you ask them how they are, they will tell you… and it’s never good. Are you familiar with the half full/half empty glass observation? An Energy Drainer’s glass is not just half-empty – the glass has a lipstick stain, an old cigarette butt in the bottom and it’s full of dribble holes.

Anyone who tries to shut you down in any way when you attempt to discuss your loss is an Energy Drainer; someone who is more concerned with their own feelings than they are with your healing. Let’s put it another way – if you have a beautiful 16×20 picture, would you go out and buy a 3×5 frame for it? Of course not. So why would you share a 16×20 picture of your wounded heart, your devastating loss, and your roller-coaster emotions with someone who has a 3×5 mind?

***********************

Sharlene was facing what would have been her 25^th wedding anniversary and facing the date for the third year after her husband’s death left her feeling apprehensive, She knew that the day would be difficult. Shortly before the now-dreaded anniversary date, Sharlene was lunching with a friend whom she once thought of as a member of her family and brought up the fact that she was feeling a bit down; a feeling that most reasonable people would understand. She shares, “As we were waiting for our food to arrive, [my friend] said, ‘You know what? [He] probably would have lived if you had loved him enough. He’s gone and there’s nothing you can do about it It’s time to flush the toilet and move on already.’

I felt as though whatever was left of my heart just imploded. When he died, I constantly asked myself what more I could have done to keep him alive. I felt so guilty because I couldn’t be with him more than I already had been and she was well aware of this.

***********************

Aside from the horror of someone being told to metaphorically “flush the toilet” in reference to a person’s life, legacies and memories, as well as inferring that loving someone “enough” would have somehow magically rid them of whatever illness or infirmity took their life, this particular person actually transcends the concept of Energy Drainer. People like these are downright toxic to a Healing Journey. Fortunately, Sharlene was wise to quickly realize this fact. She also understood that this person had no business playing any part in either her Healing Journey or in her life; stating, “She was completely oblivious, spending the remainder of our time together whining about how horrible her husband was. Later that day, I posted what happened [on Facebook] and announced that she was being eradicated from my life. Looking back, I now realize what an emotional vampire she was; feeding off of the misery of others.”

***********************

Another issue that sadly walks hand-in-hand with grief censorship is that of abandonment. Susan says, “I have lost friends. You are a reminder of the worst possible nightmare that could happen to them, so they leave…and you are left standing there amongst the rubble of your life.” Sharlene adds, “The couples with whom we were once close have virtually disappeared. My husband was loved by so many people and no doubt his death hit them hard. But once the funeral is over, everyone resumes their lives.”

Loss attacks many aspects of your life, but perhaps somewhat surprisingly, none more than your address book. I personally experienced significant abandonment by other former “friends” (coupled and otherwise); because they either wanted Fun Carole back or they simply did not know what to do now that it was just me. I was also abandoned by certain family members; leaving me alone to look into my young daughter’s confused eyes while trying to answer the question, “Mommy, why don’t they love me anymore?”

It is an unfortunate reality that some of the people who you once believed to be good friends (or even family) might choose to leave your life for a number of reasons. They may be uncomfortable with being around you. Others may criticize the manner in which you choose to conduct your Healing Journey. Relationships may also fracture or self-destruct because of more “tangible” reasons (i.e., anything involving money or property).

Think of your Healing Journey as a train. You are the engineer and the people in your life are the passengers. Your job is to keep that train moving forward. As with any train, people get on board and people hop off. Some are on the train for a short time, some are on it for the long haul and others never get on the train at all.

Especially after loss, it is very easy to focus on who chooses to get off or stay off of your Healing Journey train, rather than keeping your focus where it belongs; on who is climbing aboard your train and on those who have chosen to stay on board throughout your loss experience and your Healing Journey. You cannot properly engineer your Healing Journey train by looking in a rear-view mirror to see who has chosen to abandon your train. Focusing on those who choose to exit your life will bring you down and keep you there. It is negative energy focused on negative people who will never add to your healing way.

Let them leave. They have made their choice.

Now…you make YOUR choice.

Choose to refuse.

Refuse to live your life looking into a rear-view mirror. Refuse to focus on who has willingly left your life for whatever reason. Focus instead on those climbing aboard, sitting down, strapping in and staying on board with you for the ride that is your Healing Journey and beyond.

***********************

So how do you face both grief censorship and abandonment? Listen to those who have walked the path:

Susan: “Don’t be afraid of the grief journey; learn to embrace it. It will not be easy. This will be most likely the hardest thing you will ever do [as] your life has changed forever. But one day you will be okay. You will have such a deep understanding of what life truly means and what living it means. I am okay – and you will be one day too. I promise.”

Sharlene: “In many cases, people simply do not know what to say to you and will instead say anything just to feel less awkward. That doesn’t mean you should remain silent. Speaking up is an opportunity to educate and inform the uninitiated about what it truly means to be [bereaved].”

Finally, if you are in a position of potential support to someone who is experiencing or has experienced bereavement, it may be very difficult for you; perhaps to the point of discomfort. No one is saying that you should not be upset or perhaps even moved to tears. By all means, be upset. Have feelings. Let the tears flow. These are all good things. However, remember that it is not about you at that particular moment. It is about the person who is seeking both comfort and hope.

Those in the bereaved community are quite cognizant of the fact that theirs is a sad and depressing situation. Do not pile onto those feelings by shutting them down or otherwise pronouncing that “Grief Time” is officially over or that the imaginary statute of grief limitations has just run out with you. And please do not merely abandon them or choose to forget that they and their sadness both exist. I assure you that you will not catch a severe case of Death by discussing someone’s loss or being a sympathetic ear and a loving source of support. Accept the discussion as the compliment that it is; that someone has chosen you with whom to share. It indicates trust in your heart and, should they be asking advice, your judgment as well. Instead of a being a Sorrow Shut Down, choose instead to be the safe haven.

The kind ear.

The gentle heart.

The understanding soul.

The hand that offers hope.

With gratitude and thanks to Susan A. and Sharlene for sharing

***Name(s) changed in the interest of privacy. Bracketing added in the interest of privacy and clarity

Carole Brody Fleet is the award-winning author of the #1 ranked new release in its genre, “When Bad Things Happen to Good Women…” (Viva Editions). She is also the author of “Happily EVEN After… “(Viva Editions); winner of the prestigious Books for a Better Life Award, one of the top national awards in publishing; as well as the critically praised, national bestseller, “Widows Wear Stilettos…” (New Horizon Press). A two-time contributor to the iconic Chicken Soup for the Soul book series and a veteran of over 1,000 radio shows, Ms. Fleet regularly appears as a media expert on numerous television and radio programs nationally and internationally; as well as in national and international print media. To learn more, please visit www.carolefleetspeaker.com and www.widowswearstilettos.com

It was a lovely season of life.

Lovely though it was, reality inevitably invades (usually around the time that a driver’s license enters this halcyon picture). With that reality comes our children’s startling realization that parents are also actually – gasp — human beings. Although an amusing statement on its face, this can also be a difficult realization, particularly if and when a parent chooses to resume dating after a divorce or spousal loss. Many (if not most) children tend to see their parents as… well…parents. That’s fine of course, but what they may occasionally lose sight of is that parents are people too.

So how does a parent date, enjoy companionship and even fall in love again, all while enduring the scrutiny (and opinions) of their growing and/or grown children?

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Before we bring in the kids, let’s first talk about you. Whether you are just thinking about the resumption of dating, or you have already reentered the World of Dating, you may feel overwhelmingly guilty; almost as though you’re “cheating” on your previous spouse/partner. These “cheating twinges” are a form of emotional self-punishment; to which none of us are immune. Let us first get one thing very clear. Regardless of how your previous marriage/relationship ended, the resumption of dating is absolutely, 100% perfectly normal. You are not cheating. You are not casting aspersions upon a previous life with a previous person or dishonoring any memories. You are simply moving forward into a new life (since after spousal loss of any kind, the life with which we are presented is indeed new).

I also want to remind you that loving another does not in any way diminish the love that you have for a late spouse or disparage the life that you led with an ex-spouse. It is important to recognize that the heart has an infinite capacity to love. There are no “love quotas” or limits on love and you are entitled to a life that includes companionship, love, laughter, and happiness. Just as you are learning this very important lesson, you must in turn be prepared to share this lesson with your children as well.

Now, let’s invite the children in.

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I seriously doubt that my late husband had a bigger fan on the planet than our daughter Kendall. Whether he was driving a police car, sitting on top of a horse or confined to a wheelchair and unable to speak (the results of his battle with ALS), Daddy was her idol. No one stood taller in her eyes and to this very day (and in her own words), he remains her hero…and he always will.

About two years after Mike died, I felt ready to consider dating once again. Rather than suddenly greet my then-thirteen year old with something akin to, “Guess what I’m doing on Saturday night”, I instead took her out to dinner and explained that I felt ready to open my mind to dating – long before I had met anyone or been asked out anywhere. I took great care to let her know that while I loved her daddy very much and that I always will, I also felt ready to welcome new people into my life. I made it very clear that no matter with whom I chose to spend time or even possibly fall in love, no one could or would ever replace her daddy in my heart. She understood that dating and/or the possibility of falling in love with another man bore no reflection on my love for her dad and that companionship is a normal and natural part of life’s continuum. When took this sensitive approach, Kendall readily understood that not only was it OK for me to date, it was a healthy thing to do.

If you are ready to date once again, this is a conversation that you must have with your children. By nature of the fact that you are here, if you so choose, you have a right to a life that includes companionship and you need to assert that right calmly. Help your children understand that just as your heart has the capacity to love again, they too can open their hearts to new possibilities…without feeling any kind of betrayal or disloyalty to the other parent. Simply put, this does not have to be an emotional “either/or, choose-one-or-the-other” proposition.

After making a Declaration of Dating Intent to your children, what happens if you are met with consternation, doubt, trepidation or outright hostility rather than enthusiasm and encouragement? Do not jump on the defensive…not just yet. Dig a little deeper. What specifically is causing the negative response? Are they objecting to a specific person or to dating in general? Are they concerned about the opinions of others? Is it perceived betrayal? Be willing to listen to their rationale, as there may be merit in their objections (i.e., they suspect that a prospective date is a “bad guy/gal” who may have ulterior motives or they believe that you may be in some kind of physical, emotional or financial peril).

However, if their response is along the lines of, “It’s just weird”; “What about Mom/Dad? [referring to the absent parent]”; “I just don’t want you to date” (without an attendant and solid reason) and so forth – those are not reasons enough. The reality is that if your children do not approve of you dating once again, it is a problem for them…not for you. We do not require the approval of anyone to lead our lives in positive, constructive ways and that includes our children. While children are certainly factors in our lives, they either already have or are about to go on to lead independent lives – which is exactly what we raise them to do. As such, you do not dictate how your grown children lead their lives and conversely, they do not get to dictate how you choose to live yours. In other words, and as my late daddy would say in his very Oklahoman way, “The tail does not wag the dog.”

Next and inevitably, the question of introducing the children to dates comes up and usually that question is prefaced with the words, “how” and “when”. Remember the days of introducing love interests to your parents? It is about one hundred times more difficult to bring people home to your children. Talk about going before a jury! The first and best piece of advice that I give concerning dating and children is that regardless of their age(s), do not introduce every single person with whom you spend time to them. Until or unless the relationship becomes serious (or at the very least, exclusive), no child needs to meet every single person that you date.

Of course, it is perfectly acceptable to date more than one person at a time and I strongly advocate letting your children know that you are dating. In fact, I always enjoyed sharing my dating experiences with my daughter (mostly because so many of those dates were first date/last date combos and cautionary tales). That said, children do not need to witness a rotating dating roster. It can create confusion and a sense of uncertainty if, in your children’s eyes, the front door becomes a “revolving door”. They won’t know where or with whom to put their emotions. I did a significant amount of dating in the years after my husband’s passing and with all of the dating that I did in those ensuring years, in point of fact, my daughter (who is now an adult) met only two men — the ex-boyfriend with whom I broke up over a decade ago and the man to whom I am now married. So, no matter how tempting, no matter how nice the person, even if they ask to meet the children, I strongly recommend that until or unless you have established that yours is an exclusive relationship, you should wait before any introductions are made.

Another consideration is that again, regardless of the age of your children and no matter how little or how much time has passed, they may initially have a challenging time assimilating the thought of you with another love interest, let alone actually seeing you laughing with, enjoying time with, and being affectionate with another person. Tread carefully and sensitively here. This is not the time to “spring” surprises (i.e., bringing someone home unannounced, before your children have had adequate time or notice to prepare emotionally). Prior to introducing anyone to your children or making any “statement” (verbal or otherwise) about a new relationship status, sit down with them, turn off the television, put all electronics on “ignore” and discuss taking this step in your life.

It is absolutely possible to have a successful dating life after divorce or loss and it is absolutely possible to reconcile that dating life with your life as a divorced or widowed parent. Treat your children with respect and sensitivity as you outline your dating plan, expect the same in return, and all of you may well reap the rewards of a new life filled with new love, new possibilities, and new memories to be created and treasured.

Carole Brody Fleet is the award-winning author of the #1 ranked new release in its genre, “When Bad Things Happen to Good Women…” (Viva Editions). She is also the author of “Happily EVEN After… “(Viva Editions); winner of the prestigious Books for a Better Life Award, one of the top national awards in publishing; as well as the critically praised, national bestseller, “Widows Wear Stilettos…” (New Horizon Press). A two-time contributor to the iconic Chicken Soup for the Soul book series, Ms. Fleet regularly appears as a media expert on numerous television and radio programs nationally and internationally; as well as in national and international print media. To learn more, please visit www.carolefleetspeaker.com and www.widowswearstilettos.com

However, it was a non-widowed gentleman who recently helped me realize that I have inadvertently omitted a very important component of dating education: How does one date a widow or widower?

This gentleman was so concerned about asking a widow out that he took the time to write and ask:

“I recently met a widow and I really like her a lot. I want to ask her out to dinner and get to know her better, but I’m scared of saying or doing something wrong and inappropriate. I don’t want to be offensive. What do you think? Can you give me some tips on how to date a widow?”

I was touched that this gentleman was so concerned about his prospective date’s feelings that he would ask for advice. With the help of widowed who share their experiences (as well as one or two of my own), following are helpful suggestions for dating the widowed [bracketing is added for clarification]:

Please Don’t Be Afraid

While at a synagogue function, I met a gentleman who appeared to be interested in me… until he inquired as to my marital status. When I told him that I was widowed, he physically took two steps backward. He was literally backing away from me! The first words that came out of my mouth before I could stop myself were, “Really, it’s not contagious”. Sad to say, while he was the first encounter who behaved in this curious manner, he was not the last.

I assure you that the widowed are not scary. Talking to widowed is not scary. Spending time with a widowed is not scary. You will not catch a severe case of Death by being in a widowed person’s space. Embrace the fact that you are in the presence of a person who has survived one of the worst experiences imaginable and possesses more strength than many will ever realize.

Don’t Take “No” Personally

Terry S. was asked out by a gentleman from her church who knew that she was widowed. What he did not know was that she was just not ready to date at that point. Explains Terry, “I felt so bad saying no to him but I knew that I wasn’t ready to go out with him or any man. I was just getting back to going out with my friends. I hadn’t even gone through [my husband’s] things. What’s very sad is that after telling him no, he never spoke to me again.”

The bottom line here is that the “when” of dating again is as individual as there are widowed in the world. Some widowed are ready to date soon after their loss, others wait for years and some choose not to date at all. Still others believe themselves to be ready, give dating a try and discover that they are not quite “there” yet. “Yet” is the key word. Just because someone is not ready today does not mean that they will never be ready. If you are told “no”, do not take it personally. Remain on friendly terms and who knows…that “no” may turn into a “yes” one day.

Keep It “Light”

For the first few dates, keep the date light as to mood and surroundings. Kimlee P. shares, “I’d just started dating again after Ben died and I was only interested in casual dates. One guy took me to a very expensive restaurant on our first date. It was supposed to be very romantic I guess, but it was overwhelming. I didn’t go out again with him after that because I was scared of what he was expecting.”

Don’t misunderstand. Dimly lit restaurants with candlelight and flowers, servers in tuxedoes and strolling violinists are great – later on. Too much romance too soon can equal too much pressure – on both parties. A Sunday morning coffee or brunch, a lunch date or meeting for happy hour after work are all great ideas for the beginnings of dating.

Respect Boundaries.

Amy** had a date with someone who wanted to know the details of her husband’s death…all of them. “My husband was murdered and it took a long time before I started going out again. I got up the courage and went on a fix-up [blind date]. All he wanted to talk about was the murder – who found him, how it happened, the trial and everything else I was trying to put behind me. I cried for days after that and it was a whole year before I was brave enough to try [dating] again.”

Inquiring as to how a widowed lost their beloved is fine. In fact, it is a question that we are accustomed to answering. However, most widowed will answer that question very generally as we do not want our time with you to become all about our loss. Regardless of how a widowed lost their spouse, any ghoulish curiosity that insists on pressing for further details borders on the cruel. Accept whatever details are given, remembering that our loss was extremely painful and rehashing is not something in which we prefer to be constantly engaged. If and when a widowed is comfortable with providing more specific details, they will do so without being cajoled.

Be Patient

With rare exception, most of the widowed that I have encountered proceed slowly into dating and relationships. The reasons are many – fear of losing again, fear of getting hurt, reconciling the past with the present and future…the list goes on. Whatever their reason, you must respect the widowed’s timeline. If he or she is reticent to move ahead emotionally and/or physically, you must understand and honor their feelings. Patience, compassion and understanding are key – and when you show all three, you and your heart may be richly rewarded.

Loss is Not Funny

Let’s face it. Death is not exactly a fun, toe-tapping, lighthearted subject and attempts at humor can be one of those “nervous reflex” things, an effort to lighten the mood or assuage discomfort with the subject. However, a widowed’s loss is not funny and any attempt to make it so is not OK.

One (of many) first date/ ast date combos in my dating past involved an outing with an Australian gentleman (who proved that a cool accent does not always work). As is commonplace, he asked how my husband passed away. When I replied that Mike suffered from Lou Gehrig’s disease for over two years, Mr. Aussie replied, “He must have been one hell of a baseball player to have Lou Gehrig give him his disease”. The fact that Mike never played baseball in his life is inconsequential. The comment was grossly misplaced and insensitive.

Lesson: The words, “I’m so sorry” are really quite sufficient. Please leave the funny to professional comedians.

(A quick P.S.: Sometimes the cool accent does work. When I remarried, it was to an Englishman).

Relax…You Do Not Have to Fill Anyone’s Shoes

Call it anthropological curiosity. Call it abject boredom. Whatever the reason, a couple of years ago, I found myself watching a “How did this get so popular” television show, wherein the object is to meet someone, ostensibly fall in love and commit to a lifetime of marriage, all within a time span of approximately eight weeks.

My heart went out to one of the participants who had decided to venture back into the world of possibilities after losing his wife. The young lady for whose affection the gentleman was “competing” listened to his tragic story, and in response looked balefully at him and not-so-sympathetically groaned, “Boy, I would have some big shoes to fill”. It was moments later that this young man who had courageously stepped back into the dating world was unceremoniously booted off of the show.

When I made the decision to begin dating after my husband’s death, at no time did I pull out any figurative shoes for anyone else to fill. Why?

People are not replaceable.

Dating, companionship and love are not about shoe-filling or trying to be a replacement for someone and something that you cannot be. In other words, the only shoes that you should ever be interested in filling are your own. Do not expect the impossible of yourself – because no widow or widower is expecting it of you.

Don’t Be Threatened

It often comes as surprise to both widowed and non-widowed alike that grief and joy can occupy the same heart space. Love does not end with death, nor should it. Your widowed date can still love a departed spouse while making room for new people and experiences – including you. You need not feel threatened by memories. You are the present. You may be the promise of potentially wonderful new memories. Concentrate on what today is and what tomorrow might bring.

Should you progress into a relationship, keep in mind that a widow or widower has dates on the calendar that they may wish to commemorate (particularly if children are involved); including birthdays, anniversaries and the “angelversary” (the anniversary of a loved one’s death). Allow them the emotional room to observe what they wish, in the manner that brings them the most comfort.

Keep an Open Mind and Heart

Most importantly, keep your mind and your heart open to possibilities. Do not eliminate dating someone based upon their widowhood, no matter when or how that widowhood occurred. Being widowed shapes a person – it does not define them.

Happy dating!

**Name changed at the contributor’s request in the interest of privacy

Carole Brody Fleet is the award-winning author of the #1 ranked new release in its genre, “When Bad Things Happen to Good Women…” (Viva Editions, April, 2016). She is also the author of “Happily EVEN After… “(Viva Editions); winner of the prestigious Books for a Better Life Award, one of the top national awards in publishing; as well as the critically praised, national bestseller, “Widows Wear Stilettos…” (New Horizon Press). A contributor to the iconic Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Ms. Fleet regularly appears as a media expert on numerous television and radio programs nationally and internationally; as well as in national and international print media. To learn more, please visit www.carolefleetspeaker.com and www.widowswearstilettos.com

“The people we care about continue to influence our quality of life even when we they are gone,” says lead researcher Kyle Bourassa, a psychology doctoral student at the University of Arizona. “We found that a person’s quality of life is as interwoven with and dependent on their deceased spouse’s earlier quality of life as it is with a person they may see every day.”

In previous work, Bourassa and colleagues had found evidence of synchrony, or interdependence, between partners’ quality of life, finding that a person’s cognitive functioning or health influences not only their own well-being but also the well-being of their partner. Bourassa and colleagues wondered whether this interdependence continues even when one of the partners passes away.

To find out, the researchers turned to the multinational, representative Study of Health, Ageing, and Retirement in Europe (SHARE), an ongoing research project with over 80,000 aging adult participants across 18 European countries and Israel. Specifically, they examined data from 546 couples in which one partner had died during the study period and data from 2566 couples in which both partners were still living.

As one might expect, the researchers found that participants’ quality of life earlier in the study predicted their quality of life later. And the data also provided evidence for interdependence between partners – a participant’s quality of life earlier in the study was associated with his or her partner’s quality of life later.

Intriguingly, the results revealed interdependence between partners even when one partner died during the study; the association remained even after Bourassa and colleagues accounted for other factors that might have played a role, such as participants’ health, age, and years married.

The researchers were surprised to find no observable difference in the strength of the interdependence in couples’ quality of life when comparing widowed spouses with spouses whose partners remained alive. Importantly, the results from first group of couples were replicated in a second, independent sample of couples from the SHARE study, bolstering the researchers’ confidence in the findings.

“Even though we lose the people we love, they remain with us, at least in part,” explains Bourassa. “At some level, this accentuates how important relationships are for our well-being, but the findings cut two ways – if a participant’s quality of life was low prior to his or her death, then this could take a negative toll on the partner’s later quality of life as well.”

Although the study does not address the mechanisms underlying interdependence between partners, Bourassa and colleagues hypothesize that ongoing interactions are a likely driver of synchrony in intact couples, while the thoughts and emotions generated by reminiscing may explain interdependence for those who lost spouses.

In a paper in the November 2015 issue of the Journal of Palliative Medicine, the researchers say such programs – which guide and support people through the process of mourning a loved one – can help prevent a range of physical and mental health problems that sometimes appear follow the death of a family member. The researchers’ recommendation is based, in part, on the results of a program instituted at Dana-Farber in 2010 for families of adult patients who have died.

A release from the institute quotes lead author Sue Morris, PsyD as saying, “The program consists of a range of services geared to the most commonly expressed needs of bereaved families. The basic elements are a condolence letter from the leaders of the cancer center, a booklet that lets people know what to expect during the grieving process, and information about services available at the cancer center and in the community.”

To assess the value of the Dana-Farber program, Morris and senior author Susan Block, MD, senior physician in the department of Psychosocial Oncology and Palliative Care at Dana-Farber, surveyed 815 family members of patients who died during a four-month period. Of the 140 people who completed the questionnaire, 69 percent said the condolence letter they’d received had a positive or somewhat positive effect on their grieving. Approximately 72 percent said the bereavement guide – “When Grief Is New,” written by Morris – had a beneficial effect. Of the respondents who reported receiving a note or call from the patient’s oncologist or nurse, more than 90 percent said it helped with their grief.

“While most people adjust to the loss of a loved one over time, it’s estimated that 10 to 20 percent develop dysfunctional bereavement, which can lead to problems such as depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, and substance abuse, and, potentially, to physical problems such as hypertension and heart disease,” Block commented. “For the most part, our society hasn’t recognized this as a public health issue for which intervention can be beneficial.

“In the United States, approximately 65 percent of deaths take place in institutions,” she continued. “And while many hospices offer bereavement services to family members, very few hospitals, cancer centers, or nursing homes do.”

“Many families experience a double loss – not only of the patient but of the clinical team that cared for him or her,” Morris added. “Especially in cases where a patient has been ill for a long time, the attachment between the family and the medical staff can be very strong.”

Noting that grief is not a disease to be treated but a normal response to loss, Morris notes that the Dana-Farber program takes a preventive approach: by providing people with information and support, it may help them avoid the more harmful consequences of prolonged grief. The basic components of the program – a letter of condolence, informational materials on grief and mourning, and referrals to support services – can be provided relatively inexpensively, she adds.

“Such programs not only serve as road maps to help recently bereaved individuals adjust to their loss, but can also help identify those who may be at risk of prolonged grief and can benefit from early intervention,” said Morris.

Why should anyone feel as though they have to defend living again after loss?

I am not sure – but unfortunately, it is happening.

Many survivors of loss find themselves defending an eventual continuity of life in the ways that they see fit.

This “defense” begs an important question:

After one life ends, should all semblance of living an abundant life come to an end?

**********

Jacque Hansen** is a beautifully outspoken member of the widowed community.  She recently shared a very insightful post on social media in answer to the increasingly apparent need to defend one’s Healing Journey after suffering a loss (bracketed additions are for clarification):

“It’s crazy to me that what people find so offensive [are]widows and widowers who find happiness after tragedy.[Widowed] in many of my widow groups [on social media] are finding they are having to defend that their heartbreak and grief still exist and they haven’t forgotten their late spouse even though they are in love again or are traveling a lot or are enjoying new and different activities.

Grief and joy can coexist. The length of devastating outward public despair doesn’t equate to the amount of love that was lost. We didn’t ask to be widowed and most of us had great marriages.  Why should we be without a partner in life if we desire one?”

Indeed.

**********

Over and over, I receive questions that begin with the words,“Is it OK to…”.  Is it OK to go to a movie and laugh; is it OK to take a vacation; is it OK to celebrate holidays (any of them); is it OK to pursue hobbies and interests; it is OK to continue to wear wedding rings, is it OK to take wedding rings off; is it cheating on a late beloved if one dates again or falls in love again or remarries…

The “Is it OK” list is lengthy.

Regardless of who or what you have lost, the answer is now and will always be … IT IS OK.  It’s OK to take vacations, change jobs or careers, change homes, change cities, states or countries; travel the world, seek companionship, fall in love again, remain on your own if that is your choice…and thisparticular list is lengthy as well.

Let me ask you this…if the situation was reversed and you were the one who had left your loved ones behind, what would you want for them? What kind of healing journey and future would you want them to pursue? Wouldn’t you be the first to say, “It’s OK”?  I am guessing that your answer would be “yes”.  I am also betting that whatever you would wish for your loved ones is what they would wish for you as well.   Keep that personal vision in your mind whenever you (or anyone else) question whether something – anything – is “ok”.

Another lesson that I love to teach concerns the so-called “appropriateness” and/or the ability to love again because it is such a hot-button issue.  Let’s begin with a newsflash:

The capacity of the human heart is infinite.

The ability to love is infinite.

The capacity to embrace as much love as you wish…is infinite.

Why is this lesson so important?  Because too many people (both the grieving and the opinionated around them) believe that by moving forward, you are either disrespecting, casting aspersion upon or completely forgetting about the past – including your life with your late spouse. The reality is that if these axioms were not true, everyone in the world would have only one child. Obviously our hearts expand to include as much love as we choose to include.

I have more great news for you:

Life is not an “either/or” proposition.

You can treasure your past.

You can honor your past.

You can and should certainly love your past.

You do not have to live in the past.

The existence of present joy does not mean the elimination of past grief.  As Jacque so wisely observed, grief and joy can occupy the same space.  Grief eventually takes its rightful place in that corner of the heart where it is no longer raw, nor is it always on public display; yet will always reside.

Almost fifteen years after losing Mike, I can tell you without reservation that I still love him and I treasure the life that we had together. It was a great life – why wouldn’t I continue to celebrate what we built together and treasure the memories that I have?  That said, I have also moved forward into a beautiful new life. Eleven years old when her daddy passed away, our Kendall is now a young adult living on her own and enjoys a thriving career.  After nine years widowed, I remarried and my husband and I have built a blended family. To top it off, I am privileged to live my life’s passion by being on a mission of service to others in need.

Now, by living a new life, does that mean that I have forgotten about or otherwise betrayed my life with Mike?  No.  Do I need to “defend” my joy because my grief is not “public” enough or “painful” enough?  No.  Does it mean that after Mike died, I should have stayed inside the house in my flannel penguin pajamas and kept the blinds closed forever?  What would thathave accomplished?

You can honor the past, you can treasure the past – you do not have to live in the past.

I understand that there may be those around you who have opinions and observations as to your particular loss situation – and those opinions may not be especially helpful, supportive or even positive. You must be careful about the people with whom you surround yourself on a regular basis. For example, people who were once in my life believed – and told me,“Once a widow, always a widow“, or words to that effect.  In other words and in their opinion…I had caught my lifetime limit.  It did not matter that all the grieving and mourning in the world was not going to bring Mike back…I was “expected” to be grieving and mourning forever. I decided that while widowhood has definitely shaped who I am, I was not about to allow it to define who I am; nor was I going to allow widowhood to design, define or determine my future. That singular decision enabled me to continue moving forward and turn a deaf ear to the naysayers of the world.

What about those who are in a loss situation similar to yours and who attempt to question your Healing Journey – your methodologies, your philosophies and the ways that you have chosen to design your path going forward?

Do you honestly care?

Are you really supposed to fall into step with another person’s vision of your Healing Journey?

Since dating seems to be among the most discussed issues, let’s again use dating as an example.  The facts are these:  People (widowed and otherwise) are going to have opinions about dating post-loss.  Some will be positive.  Others will be negative.  However, I can promise you this…no one is now or will ever be driving home from work at night thinking, “I wonder if Susie went out on a date tonight – how could she? That is so disrespectful”.

The same holds certain for any and all other areas of your Healing Journey. The reality is that your life now – all aspects of your life now – and the decisions that you make about your life going forward are not going to impact the lives of the people who offer differing, unsupportive or negative opinions. You therefore cannot allow any negativity, lack of support or any other potentially soul-sucking behavior to influence any of your decisions and ultimately decide your destiny.

Living again after loss needs no defense – to anyone.

Loving again after loss needs no explanation – to anyone.

It is what we are meant to do.

So go ahead.

Live largely.

Love abundantly.

Laugh loudly (and often).

Apologize to no one.

It’s OK.

**With thanks to Jacque Hansen

Carole Brody Fleet is the award-winning author of the #1 ranked new release in its genre, “When Bad Things Happen to Good Women…” (Viva Editions, January 2016). She is also the author of “Happily EVEN After… “(Viva Editions); winner of the prestigious Books for a Better Life Award, one of the top national awards in publishing; as well as the critically praised, national bestseller, “Widows Wear Stilettos…” (New Horizon Press).  A contributor to Chicken Soup for the Soul, Ms. Fleet is also featured on numerous television shows and regularly appears as a media expert on numerous radio programs nationally and internationally; as well as in national and international print media. To learn more about Carole Brody Fleet, please visit www.widowswearstilettos.com and www.carolefleetspeaker.com  

In recent years, there has been a sharp increase in varying sorts of public “shaming”  – weight shaming (be it “over” or “under”); height shaming, financial shaming, social status shaming, a certain kind of shaming that questions sexual conduct (real or imagined and generally reserved exclusively for women) – or shaming just for the sheer and pathetic sport of it.  The Internet in general and social media in particular are popular avenues on which to indulge in such shaming – and one need only visit the “Comments” section of a large majority of websites or social media hubs to confirm this observation. If any further proof beyond comment sections was necessary, I recently ran across an online article entitled, “20 Celebrities Who Have Ugly Spouses”.

Point illustrated.

It therefore saddens me to have to add one more form of shaming to the rapidly-growing list of shaming activity:

Grief shaming.

********

Many find a great deal of comfort in visiting the gravesites or memorial sites of their departed loved ones – and that is a wonderful thing. Some visit to experience quiet reflection and to feel connected to their beloved, while others invite friends for picnics, remembrances or “mini-celebrations”. There is no doubt that visiting the gravesite of a loved one can bring a large measure of peace and consolation to those coping with the pain of loss.

I am not among those people.

When it comes to my own Healing Journey, I find my comfort in the happy memories of my late husband Mike when he was energetically healthy and vital. I picture him completely free of ALS, the illness that ravaged his body and stole him from this life. I envision him on the back of a horse wearing his standard “uniform” consisting of a crisply triple-starched Western shirt, perfectly creased jeans, and a Stetson hat. I envision Mike and my daddy, who passed away within four months of one another, regaling each other with boring stories over cold beer and barbeque as they so often loved to do. My comfort comes from the glimmers of Mike that I see in our daughter an adolescent when her daddy passed away and now a young adult, whose language and expressions are ever-so-slightly tinged with his inflections (especially when she’s angry, which is actually pretty funny). In my heart, in my mind and in my “peaceful place”, Mike does not lie in a grave and it is for that reason that I do not visit. His gravesite is simply not a place of tranquility for me.

All of that said, would I ever deign to influence another person to find their comfort in the exact same ways as I – or worse, criticize another for seeking comfort in the ways that they see fit?

Never.

I realize that my particular confession may elicit raised eyebrows. However, as I do in kind, I also strongly encourage anyone experiencing bereavement of any sort to seek their comfort and peace in their own specific ways and by their own design.

What is disturbing are those people who feel either the need or the entitlement to dictate exactly how others should be expressing their grief and seeking comfort…and if those expressions of grief do not fall precisely in line with these generally-unsolicited opinions, it is somehow indicative of the love (or alleged lack thereof) that a survivor feels for their beloved.

Let the shaming commence.

For example, can you imagine the pain and the guilt that one widow felt when she was asked, “Why don’t you ever visit his grave? Didn’t you love him?”  Or the utter confusion of a widower who visits his late wife’s grave once a week and was eventually confronted with, “Why are you spending all of your time at the cemetery?” How baffled one widow must have been when she was chastised by friends for simply going to a movie two months after her husband’s death. And just imagine the overwhelming guilt that another widow felt when, after she shared that she had experienced her first date post-loss, she was asked, “How does it feel to dance on your husband’s grave?”

(Incidentally, I was the widow on the receiving end of that last remark).

All of these scenarios – and too many more to list – are perfect illustrations of grief shaming…and the unfortunate result of grief shaming is that the bereaved willingly absorb both the negativity and the shame, winding up feeling even more grief, guilt, doubt, fear and uncertainty than that with which they are already coping.

********

Grief shaming – the questions, opinions and admonishments that are set upon the bereaved either publicly or otherwise – is nothing more than code for, “You are not grieving in the exact manner as I am (or believe that I might); therefore, you are grieving ‘incorrectly’ and ‘inappropriately’ and you should be ashamed of yourself”.  In other words, because your grief perspective is unique to you, the actions that you are taking – whatever they may be – are judged to be “wrong” or “inappropriate” or some other ill-advised adjective. Once questioned (or accused) as to the manner in which the grieving pursue their comfort, too many once again find themselves in those places of pain, guilt, doubt, fear and/or writing letters that begin with the phrase, “Is it OK if I do/don’t …” or “Is it appropriate to not to…” . These letters subsequently continue with the part of the Healing Journey that is being questioned, opined upon or outright judged.

Although I have repeated the same words countless times to what are now many thousands of people, I again gently remind that your Healing Journey is yours alone. As long as you are not coping with your grief in a destructive manner **, however you choose to grieve, seek support, find solace, pursue your life post-loss and ultimately heal…is your choice. No other person on this planet can tell you how to feel, how to grieve and most importantly, how you should or should not be pursuing whatever it is that brings you comfort, peace, and happiness.

You know, every year at the holidays, I make a special cinnamon bread (because if I don’t, my family will stage an ugly protest). I have been making this bread for over twenty-five years; however, when it comes time to start baking, I still have to refer to a well-worn and much-loved cookbook to review the recipe.

As with the holiday bread recipe, you must take out your own Healing Journey “recipe”, review it carefully…and then follow the recipe! Those indulging in the exercise of grief shaming are not living your life. They are not the ones left behind to slowly and surely find a way back into a life post-loss. You must seek your comfort in your way and in your time, regardless of the opinions of anyone around you, which you must remember are coming from people who are not you.

Find your peace wherever and however you wish and revel in the warmth of your treasured memories…and not with those who choose to be anything less than supportive of you and your goals of ultimate healing.

In other words…no Grief Shaming allowed. Period.

**Defined as coping through the abuse of alcohol, drugs that are not specifically prescribed and closely supervised by a physician; self-harm (mutilation or “cutting”); compulsive shopping, gambling or sexual behavior, etc.  If you need help, please immediately consult your doctor, mental health expert, cleric or other trusted professional.