1. In-laws:I see this issue with one out of every four couples I counsel. It can be the overbearing mother who cannot let her son grow up, or the stubborn father who never seems to think anyone is good enough for his daughter. But the most common theme I see is one partner doesn’t feel supported by the other partner when that partner has poor boundaries with their parents.

 If your parents tend to be over-involved in your life, there’s a good chance that it will end up showing up in your relationship. It’s crucial to have healthy boundaries with your parents, especially if you plan on entering or maintaining a serious relationship.

2. Money: It’s likely that both you and your partner had your own separate relationships with money before you met each other. There’s also a strong possibility that you each had different views on what was prudent to spend money on. Money isn’t always about money; it can also represent what you invest in the relationship. Do you both invest in your own way to the point where it feels like you’re a team? Even if the dollar amount contributed isn’t the same, it should feel on many levels like the relationship is a mutual investment. No relationship is 50/50 — not even when it comes to money — but there should feel like a balance between two partners on how much they invest in the relationship personally and financially.

3. Competing needs: This is a big one. Put simply, sometimes you have needs that are completely different from your partner’s, and vice versa. It’s not always an issue, but when these needs are opposing, there can be complications. For example, you might need more connection and intimacy, while they need more space and alone time. Even though this is extremely common, it often turns into feelings of rejection and all kinds of other misconceptions. Simple communication and reassurance can help quell any pain points with competing needs.

Let’s say you’re the partner who needs space. It would be helpful to reassure your partner by saying something like, “Hey honey, I love you very much, and right now I need a little alone time to just decompress. Let’s make a date night to spend quality time together tomorrow.” That way, your partner hears your needs while you also commit to a time where you’ll fulfill theirs, too. Compromise is important here, especially if we have competing needs.

Jessica Baum, LMHC is the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach and creator of the Self-Full^® method — a therapeutic path to personal wellness and freedom from codependence. Jessica holds an undergraduate degree from Fordham University and a master’s degree in mental health counseling from South University.

As a certified addiction specialist, her focuses are chemical abuse, codependency,  and anxiety. She is also a certified Imago Therapist, bringing her compassionate and effective relationship counseling experience to families, couples, and family programs within addiction treatment centers. Jessica has extensive training in psychodrama and experiential therapy, and is additionally skilled in cognitive and dialectical behavior therapy. Her training also includes EMDR and Post Induction Therapy, and she has a wealth of experience supporting trauma patients.

Jessica’s own personal core belief is centered around the importance of connection, both to oneself and the outside world. She believes the crux of most personal struggles can be attributed to a lack of true understanding and personal connection, and that it is this sense of disconnection that ultimately leads to pain. Jessica founded the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach to help heal, foster happiness, and restore hope in the individuals and families she works with. Learn more at www.RelationshipsPB.com and www.JessicaBaumLMHC.com.

Researchers analyzed videotaped conversations between 87 middle-aged and older husbands and wives who had been married for 15 to 35 years, and tracked their emotional interactions over the course of 13 years. They found that as couples aged, they showed more humor and tenderness towards another.

HUMOR AND AFFECTION INCREASE AS THE ANNIVERSARIES ROLL BY

Overall, the findings, published in the journal Emotion, showed an increase in such positive behaviors as humor and affection and a decrease in negative behaviors such as defensiveness and criticism. The results challenge long-held theories that emotions flatten or deteriorate in old age and point instead to an emotionally positive trajectory for long-term marrried couples.

“Our findings shed light on one of the great paradoxes of late life,” said study senior author Robert Levenson, a UC Berkeley psychology professor. “Despite experiencing the loss of friends and family, older people in stable marriages are relatively happy and experience low rates of depression and anxiety. Marriage has been good for their mental health.”

Consistent with previous findings from Levenson’s Berkeley Psychophysiology Laboratory, the longitudinal study found that wives were more emotionally expressive than their husbands, and as they grew older they tended toward more domineering behavior and less affection. But generally, across all the study’s age and gender cohorts, negative behaviors decreased with age.

“Given the links between positive emotion and health, these findings underscore the importance of intimate relationships as people age, and the potential health benefits associated with marriage,” said co-lead author Alice Verstaen, who conducted the study as a Ph.D. student at UC Berkeley and is currently a postdoctoral fellow at the VA Puget Sound Health Care System.

The results are the latest to emerge from a 25-year UC Berkeley study headed by Levenson of more than 150 long-term marriages. The participants, now mostly in their 70s, 80s and 90s, are heterosexual couples from the San Francisco Bay Area whose relationships Levenson and fellow researchers began tracking in 1989.

In their investigation of marital relationships, researchers viewed 15-minute interactions between spouses in a laboratory setting as they discussed shared experiences and areas of conflict. They tracked the emotional changes every few years.

The spouses’ listening and speaking behaviors were coded and rated according to their facial expressions, body language, verbal content and tone of voice. Emotions were coded into the categories of anger, contempt, disgust, domineering behavior, defensiveness, fear, tension, sadness, whining, interest, affection, humor, enthusiasm and validation.

AN INCREASE IN OVERALL POSITIVE EMOTIONAL BEHAVIORS

Researchers found that both middle-aged and older couples, regardless of their satisfaction with their relationship, experienced increases in overall positive emotional behaviors with age, while experiencing a decrease in overall negative emotional behaviors.

“These results provide behavioral evidence that is consistent with research suggesting that, as we age, we become more focused on the positives in our lives,” Verstaen said.

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In addition to Levenson and Verstaen, co-lead authors of the study are Sandy Lwi, a researcher at the San Francisco Veterans Affairs Medical Center, and Claudia Haase, an assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University.

These findings come in part from a recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, which found that marijuana users have on average 20% more sex than non-marijuana users. Within that, sexual frequency increased as marijuana use increased.

That means more smoking, more sex.

Research also suggests that marijuana increases the complexity of neural pathways in the brain, improving one’s capacity to empathize and communicate with a partner. A study by researchers at Buffalo University found that married couples who used marijuana three or more times each month had a significantly lower rate of domestic violence than non-users.

Researchers have discovered that smoking marijuana, or “Mary Jane,” can offer married couples a wealth of benefits including:

• Enhanced sexual satisfaction
• Improved empathy and communication skills
• A decreased risk of domestic violence

Other studies, however, suggest that this relationship between sexual frequency and marijuana use is not without its limits, particularly for male users. One study found that the risk of erectile dysfunction for daily marijuana users is as much as three times as high for users than non-users. However – findings suggested the opposite for women.

 One study reported that 90% of women experience heightened sexual pleasure while using marijuana!

Like with most things – there is a spectrum of experience; for some, marijuana actually has the opposite effect, causing short-term social alienation, and feeling of being unable to relate to others. The differential factor – what makes some people react negatively and positively – is not yet known.

So, if you are considering trying marital marijuana, the lesson here is to proceed with some awareness, mindfulness, and a modicum of caution. Be communicative with your partner and see what works for your relationship. As they say, perhaps a puff a day will keep the divorce papers away.

A release from the university explains that the findings, which examined 13 years’ worth of longitudinal data from thousands of Australian households, also suggest that marriages with large age gaps are less resilient in the face of economic downturns relative to their similarly-aged counterparts.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the findings show that men reported greater marital satisfaction when paired with a younger spouse, especially in the early years of marriage. But the reverse appears to be true as well.

The release quotes Terra McKinnish, a professor of economics at CU Boulder and a co-author of the new study, as saying, “We find that men who are married to younger wives are the most satisfied, and men who are married to older wives are the least satisfied. Women are also particularly dissatisfied when they’re married to older husbands and particularly satisfied if they’re married to younger husbands.”

That initial satisfaction erodes rapidly, however, after six to ten years of marriage for the couples with a big age gap between the partners.

“Over time, the people who are married to a much older or younger spouse tend to have larger declines in marital satisfaction over time compared to those who are married to spouses who are similar in age,” said McKinnish, who is also a research associate at the Institute of Labor Economics (IZA) in Germany.

One mechanism for this decline could be how the age difference between spouses affects the couple’s ability to respond to negative economic shocks, such as a job loss, McKinnish said.

“We looked at how couples respond to negative shocks and in particular, if they have a major bad economic shock or worsening of their household finances,” she said. “We find that when couples have a large age difference, that they tend to have a much larger decline in marital satisfaction when faced with an economic shock than couples that have a very small age difference.”

A possible explanation for this, McKinnish said, is that similarly-aged couples are more in sync on life decisions that affect both partners (having children; general spending habits) and thus may be better equipped to adjust to a negative financial shock. By contrast, an unexpected financial shakeup could expose underlying tensions and mismatches in couples with a larger age gap.

The findings are based on data from the Household, Income and Labor Dynamics in Australia (HILDA) survey, a longitudinal study that began in 2001. The nationally representative sample was initially comprised of 7,682 households containing 19,914 individuals and participants are re-surveyed every year with questions that measure various aspects of life satisfaction.

Wang-Sheng Lee, a professor of economics at Deakin University in Australia and a research associate at IZA, co-authored the research.

Why are ADs a good idea? According to a release from the society, studies have shown that at the end of life people who have ADs receive less aggressive life-sustaining treatment and are less likely to be admitted to intensive care units, sometimes because those may not be options an older person wants to pursue. They are also more likely to die at home instead of in a hospital, and they receive hospice care earlier and for longer periods of time.

The release notes that about 50 percent of people 65 and older in the United States have completed ADs. However, little is known about why some people have them while others do not. Most research treats the decision to complete an AD as an individual choice, but we don’t know very much about the roles that spouses and other family members may play in a person’s decision to engage in end-of-life planning.

The 2017 study’s researcher, Catheryn S. Koss, JD, PhD, of the Gerontology Center, University of Kansas, examined information from 2,243 married couples aged 65 and older who had participated in the Health and Retirement Study during 2004-2012.

In the study, Dr. Koss looked at how individual characteristics and characteristics of a person’s spouse influenced whether older adults had ADs. These characteristics included:

• Age
• Education
• Poor health
• Prior hospitalizations and/or outpatient surgeries (those that don’t require an overnight hospital stay)
• Having greater household assets

Among participants in the study, 57 percent of men and 56 percent of women had ADs. Both spouses had ADs in 46 percent of couples and neither had ADs in 33 percent of couples.

Some of the insights the study revealed include:

• Age (for an individual and his/her spouse) was linked to having an AD for both men and women.
• Men’s education was associated with having their own AD and an AD for their wives.
• The worse a wife’s health, the less likely a man was to have an AD.
• Hospitalization and/or outpatient surgery for men was associated with having an AD for both spouses.
• Women with regular healthcare providers were more likely to have an AD, but this did not hold true for men.

The results of this study suggest that having an AD among older married adults is affected both by the characteristics of individuals in a married relationship, as well as their joint experience as a couple. Furthermore, how spouses influence one another’s advance care planning seems to differ by gender.

But after dozens of years thinking of family-friendly destinations and how to please the gang, how do you decide what to do?

As you begin your planning, here are FIVE things you should consider before heading off on that initial trip!

1. Don’t assume your vacation needs to be sitting in the sun at the beach. Back before you had kids, wasn’t that the perfect trip? A week in Hawaii with a Mai Tai in hand at the swim-up bar? Although perfectly fine if you want to, more and more empty nesters are exploring a vast array of other options, including:

• Passion/”Bucket-List” Destination: Learn to cook by taking classes in Italy!
• Eco-tourism/Green/Responsible Vacations: Go to the rain forest or a nature preserve; mingle with the local culture, and do something to benefit the environment or the welfare of the local people.
• Educational Vacations: Where the emphasis is on learning. Learn to surf, to scout for bear in Alaska, to appreciate art and museums.
• Wellness Vacations: Pampering high-end spas, holistic retreats, or even weight loss clinics.
• Volunteer Vacations: Restore wilderness areas for the Sierra Club or go International with organizations such as Globe Aware. Help plant a community garden or teach English.
• Medical Tourism: Travel abroad and see the sights, then get a cheaper hip replacement or other surgery before coming home. Contact Joint Commission International to learn more.
• Spiritual: Take a religious pilgrimage, spend a week in silent reflection and meditation, or attend a yoga retreat.
• Travel Alone: You and your spouse have completely different ideas of the perfect empty nest getaway? Single? Lots of tours cater to single travelers!

2. Assess your physical limitations and fitness level.

Before you go for that five-mile hike in high altitude, attempt scuba-diving for the first time, or join in some other fitness challenge that you are ill prepared for, do a little research and prep. If you know these activities await you, start a training program before you go on your trip.

When researching activities and companies that are offering them, check the company’s specified fitness level requirements, any restrictions relating to pre-existing medical conditions, and check what emergency procedures they have in place (to provide medical care and/or evacuation in case of emergency). Talk with your doctor about the activity, fitness requirement, anticipated weather, and any other factors such as altitude.

Travel insurance: Important if you are travelling out of the country or if you have medical coverage like Medicare or other that does not provide coverage outside the U.S.

Traveling to high altitude locations? Start a program pre-trip to increase your endurance (aerobics, walking). Give your body time to adjust to high-altitude locations. You can come down with mountain illness by going too high too quickly. Sleep issues become greater at altitudes of 13,000 feet or more. Plan to rest a lot while getting used to the altitude, hydrate and take frequent breaks. Be cautious if you’ve had a history of circulatory, heart or lung problems.

3. Plan for Your Usual Dietary, Sleeping, Medication, Supplementation, Exercise and “Comfort” Habits!

You can make a few exceptions on the food and drink, but note that there are many daily habits that you should attempt to continue to adhere to, even on your vacation. From a planning perspective, this may mean packing extra items that you might be tempted to leave home.

1. Supplements and medications: Don’t stop your routine. Medications are obviously important if you are taking them in the first place, but even supplements – in particular a daily probiotic or certain antioxidants (such as zinc, which is an antiviral and supports your immune system), can have an impact on how you feel and on your digestion and immune health.
   • It’s always a good idea to let your doctor know you are traveling (Immunizations? Known health concerns at your destination such as bacteria, viruses or insects? Any issues relating to bringing in your prescription meds to a particular country?).
   • There are supplements to help with high altitude destinations, and you may want to bump up digestive support (probiotics, digestive enzymes) if traveling to a country known to cause traveler’s digestive issues, or have issues with bacteria or viruses. Oregano Oil capsules can be helpful as a broad-spectrum antimicrobial; and can also help in cases of food pathogens. NAC (N-acetylcysteine) is a good supplement for boosting you immune system as well as preventing respiratory distress.

• Eating late dinners is hard on digestion. Lingering at the table will also result in more alcohol and you’ll continue to pick at your food even though you aren’t hungry. Move to a different setting and try to end the evening drinking just water.
• Ask for grilled veggies with every meal. Good calorie-wise and will help fill you up as well as keep your digestion moving along.
• Have diabetes or another disease? Have your doctor advise you as to what emergency provisions you should have on hand and while traveling (on airplanes, etc.). For diabetes, you may want a glucagon emergency kit, for example.
• Remember to hydrate! Especially if you are traveling to a different climate, altitude or will be more physically active than you would normally be at home. If you routinely carry around water in your reusable container at home, why would you suddenly stop while on vacation?
• Exercise: Normally hit the gym every day? Then experts say you should try to continue to incorporate that into your vacation. Search for a hotel with a gym (check extra costs!), and pack exercise clothes and athletic shoes.
• Sleep: Yes, you may want to party it up a bit to enjoy every minute. But you might not be the spring chicken you once were. Your body really needs a minimum of seven hours per night. And if you’ve changed time zones for your travels, your body’s circadian rhythm will already be impaired.
  • Jet lag (especially for eastbound travel) can result in fatigue, insomnia and digestive issues and it usually takes one day to recover from each time zone you cross while traveling. Best way to deal with jet lag is to stay awake and on your destination’s local time. Getting out in the sunlight early each day can also help reset your circadian clock to local time.
  • Bring over-the-counter melatonin, earplugs, and a sleep mask. Melatonin is a hormone your body naturally produces that regulates sleep/wake cycle. Short-term use before bedtime has been found to help with jet lag and insomnia.
• Diet: Yes, we know you are going to eat more on vacation. But take note of healthy things you CAN do.
  • Restaurants add a lot of sugar to sauces, creams and dressings. Ask for these things on the side or skip altogether. Go with baked, broiled or grilled meats and fish when you can. Split dishes with your travel partner, especially desserts.
  • Don’t skip breakfast! Eat a high protein, low fat breakfast (skip the carbs) which will keep you feeling fuller longer.
• Carry health snacks with you everywhere you go.
• Comfort: Your orthotic shoes may seem less than trendy than those sandals, but comfort rules if you’ll be walking! You’ll also be more prone to exercise with a pair of sneakers in your luggage.

4. Be aware of the pitfalls of the All-Inclusive.

A lot of vacation destinations have something called the All-Inclusive. This means that food, alcohol and other miscellaneous services (water-play toys, fitness center or spa privileges, etc.) are included in a bundled price. You typically are issued a wristband and you get everything for free after paying the one bundled fee. Before going this route, research your destination and see if there are over age 60/senior rates for hotels, tours, and other activities. You may find that a cost-effective (and healthier) option.

For middleaged empty nesters (many of whom may have some health related issues including packing a few extra pounds), a warning should come with the All-Inclusive contracts that states something like:

“WARNING: The All-Inclusive means that you may be incented to”…

• Eat a lot more than you would otherwise do. A LOT more, including sampling every dessert item on every menu at the resort. If you feel it makes economic sense – that you’ll save money – by going inclusive, don’t fall into the, “I need to eat a lot so I am saving even more money!” mindset. You can split meals with your traveling companions to try more dishes. Some studies have shown that 61% of people gain weight on vacation. One of the main contributors to vacation weight gain is alcohol calorie intake!
• Drink a lot more alcohol. Not only will you freely order drinks, but you will order drinks that contain way more alcohol. A good way to prevent over-doing it? “The secret to pollution is dilution”. Alternate alcoholic drinks with water. Yes, plain old water (or bottled water if the local water source is known to be troublesome).
• Use more services such as room service, pool-service, and beach-service…after all; the drinks and food are free, right? But wait! The small print may state that there is an automatic gratuity attached, and these can add up (or you may be giving your servers liberal cash tips without realizing you are tipping twice).
• Miss out on local culture: As you are “incented” to stay at the resort since everything is included there, you may be less likely to go touring, thereby missing out on the local culture, sites, and foods. You may also be more incented to be less active. So if you do an All-Inclusive, plan a few day trips and take in the pool aerobics and other activities included at your resort or cruise.

5. Plan for safety. Being older can make you a target.

Always research the country/state/region you are visiting. And as you plan activities, utilize online ratings, well-known travel sites, and other trustworthy resources to choose your tour operators, etc.

Check out the CDC’s Travel Health Alert and the US Embassy in the country you are visiting to research travel advisories relating to health issues, weather, terrorism, and other concerns.

Travel Documentation: Make copies (and pack separately from the real thing): passport, birth certificate, credit card #s, medical insurance, prescriptions, vaccination record, etc.

Talk with your hotel concierge and other staff regarding your planned itinerary and specific destinations (tour/activity) in terms of operator track record, compliance (licensing, etc.) and safety. Ask about restaurants and nighttime areas: some areas are perfectly safe during daytime but can become dangerous at night. Being perceived as more vulnerable, or if traveling alone, can make you a target.

The important thing is that you take this opportunity to enjoy your next phase of life! With a little planning you can ensure that first empty nest vacation is a wonderful one that you will completely enjoy!

Diane Blum is a freelance writer. Please visit her at http://www.DianeBlum.com or at http://www.ObsoletedSoccerMom.com

New research from UC Berkeley and Northwestern University, based on how couples behave during conflicts, suggests outbursts of anger predict cardiovascular problems later in life.

Conversely, shutting down emotionally or “stonewalling” during conflict, raises the risk of musculoskeletal ailments such as a bad back or stiff muscles.

“Our findings reveal a new level of precision in how emotions are linked to health, and how our behaviors over time can predict the development of negative health outcomes,” said UC Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson, senior author of the study.

The study, published in the journal Emotion, is based on 20 years of data. It controlled for such factors as age, education, exercise, smoking, alcohol use and caffeine consumption.

Overall, the link between emotions and health outcomes was most pronounced for husbands, but some of the key correlations were also found in wives. It did not take the researchers long to guess which spouses would develop ailments down the road based on how they reacted to disagreements.

“We looked at marital-conflict conversations that lasted just 15 minutes and could predict the development of health problems over 20 years for husbands based on the emotional behaviors that they showed during these 15 minutes,” said study lead author Claudia Haase, an assistant professor of human development and social policy at Northwestern University.

The findings could spur hotheaded people to consider such interventions as anger management, while people who withdraw during conflict might benefit from resisting the impulse to bottle up their emotions, the researchers said.

“Conflict happens in every marriage, but people deal with it in different ways. Some of us explode with anger; some of us shut down,” Haase said. “Our study shows that these different emotional behaviors can predict the development of different health problems in the long run.”

The study is one of several led by Levenson, who looks at the inner workings of long-term marriages. Participants are part of a cohort of 156 middle-aged and older heterosexual couples in the San Francisco Bay Area whose relationships Levenson and fellow researchers have tracked since 1989.

The surviving spouses who participated in the study are now in their 60s, 70s, 80s and even 90s.

Each five years, the couples were videotaped in a laboratory setting as they discussed events in their lives and areas of disagreement and enjoyment. Their interactions were rated by expert behavioral coders for a wide range of emotions and behaviors based on facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. In addition, the spouses completed a battery of questionnaires that included a detailed assessment of specific health problems.

In this latest study, the researchers focused on the health consequences of anger and an emotion-suppressing behavior they refer to as “stonewalling.” The study also looked at sadness and fear as predictors of these health outcomes, but did not find any significant associations.

A research summary released by the Health in Aging Foundation, a national non-profit established in 1999 by the American Geriatrics Society, explains that generally, people are considered frail if they have three or more of these conditions:

• Low body weight (unintentional loss of 10 pounds in the past year)
• Weakness
• Exhaustion
• Slowness
• Physical inactivity

The release explains that although we know much about the effects of frailty and depression on individuals, up until now little has been uncovered about how these two conditions may be connected within couples.

The researchers learned that the frailer an older person is, the more likely it is that he or she will become depressed. The more depressed an older person is, the more likely he or she is to become frail.

What’s more, the researchers also learned that people married to a frail spouse were likely to become frail themselves, and that people married to a depressed spouse were more likely to become depressed, too. Interestingly, older husbands tended to be more depressed and frail than younger husbands. Older wives were not more depressed, but were frailer than younger wives.

These findings are based on a study of data from 1,260 married couples, aged 65 and older, collected during the Cardiovascular Health Study.

The researchers concluded that frailty and depression symptoms may be intertwined for spouses, suggesting that senior living facilities might consider ways to increase couples’ engagement in physical activities, social activities, and mutual support.

High standards, whether in caring, support, or independence, improve satisfaction only in strong marriages. For less strong marriages, such as those involving higher levels of indirect hostility or more severe problems, high standards further erode the relationship.

A release from the Society for Personality and Social Psychology quotes Dr. James McNulty, Professor of Psychology at Florida State University and author of the study, as saying, “Some people demand too much from their marriages because they are requiring that their marriages fulfill needs that they are not capable of achieving, either because they have limited time, energy, effort, or skills to apply to their marriages. But other people demand too little from their marriages. Their marriage is a potential source of personal fulfillment that they are not exploiting. Ultimately, spouses appear to be best off to the extent that they ask of their marriages as much as, but not more than, their marriages are able to give them.”

The researchers utilized data from 135 newlywed couples living in eastern Tennessee. To start, each partner separately completed surveys to measure several aspects of their own standards as well as the severity of relationship problems and marital satisfaction.

The newlyweds also participated in marital discussions that were video recorded, where researchers studied various aspects of verbal communication to assess the couple’s indirect hostility with each other. The couples continued to report their marital satisfaction via a questionnaire every six months for four years.

“When it comes to verbal problem-solving, indirect hostility is more destructive than direct hostility,” says McNulty. “Prior work by our lab and others indicates that direct hostility, such as blaming the partner for a problem and demanding that the partner change, can have important benefits to some couples, specifically those who need to change. The key is that direct hostility communicates that there is a need for change and even how each partner wants things to change. Our prior research indicates indirect hostility is harmful for all couples.”

As newlyweds, husbands and wives reported being relatively satisfied with their marriages and relatively high standards. Yet their reports also indicated that some couples were less happy and demanded less than others. Initially, spouses were observed to have engaged in relatively low levels of indirect hostility on average, yet there was substantial variability in these, as well.

The extent to which spouses’ standards were associated with changes in satisfaction over time depended on the couples’ tendencies to engage in indirect hostility. Couples that worked well together, as indicated by low levels of indirect hostility, were better able to meet higher standards and thus showed high satisfaction to the extent that they held such standards, but lower satisfaction to the extent that they held lower standards.

The opposite was true for couples that didn’t work well together. Those couples did poorer to the extent that they held high standards because they were unable to meet them, but better to the extent that they held lower standards that they were able to meet.

“Each marriage is different; people differ in their compatibility, their skills, and the external stressors they face,” says McNulty. “All of these play an important role in determining how successful a marriage will be and thus how much people should demand from it.”

“This research suggests people need to have some idea of what they can get from marriage before they get it. That is obviously difficult, which may explain why couples experience a mismatch between what they demand and what they can actually attain,” says McNulty.

Although high standards may motivate partners to work to improve or maintain their relationships, this research highlights the fact that various constraints prevent some spouses from meeting higher standards despite even the highest motivations; indeed, some relationships face larger obstacles to success than do others and some spouses possess more and better interpersonal skills than do others.

“Couples need to realize their strengths and weaknesses and calibrate their standards accordingly,” advises McNulty.

It’s rarely as easy as the Brady Bunch made it seem.

Too frequently, partners imagine that because they love each other, their children will jump on board and will also love this new partner as a stepparent. In reality, children are often confused and have contradictory emotions about the new family setup.

Frustration can set in when the union fails to create instant family unity.

Try not to let it. Everyone needs time to adjust and it’s up to the new couple to develop strategies for making this blended family work.
For starters, each parent should be responsible for managing his or her children’s schedules, providing discipline and communicating with the ex-partner about any parenting issues.

You should expect that it’s going to be a rocky ride, and you can be pleasantly surprised if it’s not. Remember, the kids did not get a vote in this, and they very well may dislike the stepparent or stepsiblings.

But, as with many things in life, patience mixed with a trial-and-error approach can get you where you need to be. Here are a few tips for easing the difficulties, if not eliminating all the pain:

• Manage expectations. When creating a blended family, managing your expectations will decrease the odds of being disappointed. Discuss your ideas for how the transition will go and set a reasonable bar for how you, your spouse, the children and any former spouses will respond to the new arrangement. Plan for a slow transition into this “new normal.”
• Keep communications with former spouses cordial. Some relationships with ex-spouses run more smoothly than others. Ideally, former spouses would communicate respectfully and keep in mind the best interests of the children. That doesn’t always happen, though. If an ex-spouse gets under your skin too much, you might try self-soothing techniques such as meditating, exercising, taking a walk or journaling. You may also want to consider seeing a therapist. It will benefit your current relationship if you can minimize the conflict with a former partner.
• Nurture your romance. With so many challenges balancing parental and relational responsibilities, you will need to give extra effort to setting aside kid-free time. Making time for just the two of you is critical to the success of your relationship. Without proper attention, the new relationship can drop down the priority list as you get caught up in smoothing the transition for the children, creating a blended home, and growing comfortable with your role as stepparent. Make it a point to prioritize dates, whether over coffee, lunch, dinner or during a walk together.

Forming a blended family is a long-term process, and it is reasonable to expect some pushback from children, who had no voice in your choice to marry. Be patient and try to see it through their eyes.

Knowing in advance that it is likely to be tough and keeping your expectations dialed down goes a long way toward making sure your relationship doesn’t fall apart under the stress.

Dr. Anne Brennan Malec (www.drannemalec.com) is the founder and managing partner of Symmetry Counseling (www.symmetrycounseling.com), a group counseling, coaching and psychotherapy practice in Chicago. She also is author of the book “Marriage in the Modern Life: Why It Works, When It Works.” Dr. Malec earned her Bachelor’s degree in Accountancy from Villanova University and holds two Master’s degrees: one in Liberal Studies from DePaul University, and one in Marital and Family Therapy from Northwestern University. Dr. Malec earned her Doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology.