Dinner Is Not A Smart First Date

By Ken Solin

No Fantasies

While nearly every senior dater wants romance, it’s a serious mistake to think a first date should be romantic. First dates are to get acquainted, not fall in love. And if you’re a senior who still doesn’t understand a first date is an interview, you’ll continue squandering valuable time on second and third dates that lead nowhere.

Flawed And Foolish

The notion of getting swept off your feet on a first date is a rescue fantasy reflective of a goofy teenager. And a senior dater who believes in love at first sight is totally clueless. A productive first date means gleaning important information, and this requires a clear head, a game plan, and the ability to use both effectively.

No Candles Please

Senior guys love to wine and dine women on first dates because they harbor a flawed fantasy about appearing romantic. But dinner with a total stranger in a romantic setting is wrongheaded because reality takes a back seat to fantasy. Falling in love on a first date is actually falling in lust, and every senior man or woman should know the difference. Asking the right questions on a first date can determine whether or not a second makes sense, which is why coffee dates are preferable to dinner dates.

Safety Factor

A coffee date in a busy café is safe, and it’s not impolite to say thank you and leave at any point if you feel you’re wasting your time. You can learn what you need to know on a first date simply by asking the right questions. There are six questions I asked on forty-nine coffee dates over eighteen months before meeting my partner, who was number fifty. She answered every question perfectly and cleverly turned them around on me. I’ll detail the six questions in my next article, but here are two in abbreviated form.

EQ

You want to find out whether your date has EQ, Emotional Intelligence, because absent EQ, all arguments remain circular and never get resolved. Absent learned EQ skills relationships bog down until one or both partners surrender. If you ask your partner how they’re feeling, you don’t want to hear what they think. And teaching a new partner EQ skills isn’t an option because that dynamic puts partners on an uneven playing field.

This isn’t a candle-lit, dinner question because the dinner would most likely devolve into an uncomfortable standoff. But it’s a perfect coffee date question.

History Matters

Relationship history is important. It’s a bad sign if someone can’t articulate their part in a failed relationship and explain what they learned from the experience. Another critical question not suited to a romantic dinner. Past relationships can predict future relationship success or failure. Someone not willing to take responsibility for their part in a failed relationship won’t take responsibility for their behavior in yours either.

Intelligent Dating

Your dating ego shouldn’t include the belief that you’re smarter than everyone else regarding first date romantic dinners. You’ll leave those dates knowing little if anything about someone’s most important qualities. Romantic dates are not smart first dates.

Ken Solin is a Dating Expert for The Huffington Post, AARP, About.com, and Maria Shriver, and has written about boomer sex, dating, and relationships for a decade. Ken wrote The Boomer Guide To Finding True Love Online. It offers real-life boomer dating solutions.  Ken’s website, www.kensolin.comoffers articles, videos, and blogs about boomer dating.