When it comes to dating, “let’s grab a drink” is often the go-to first-date invitation. Many opt to cure first-date jitters with a libation or two to chill out and feel more comfortable.  But what happens if you are a recovering alcoholic and you can’t opt for liquid courage to get you through those awkward dating moments? For approximately 30-million Americans who identify as recovering from alcohol abuse, dating while sober is often a tricky reality. Here are some tips on how to pass on booze but not on love,

1. Take the lead and suggest a dry date.

The easiest way to maintain sobriety is to avoid situations where alcohol is present. Having several alcohol-free dating options already in mind can empower you to steer the date in a dry direction more easily.  Opt for daytime dates that are more activity-focused and get you outside enjoying quality time together away from any bar. Engaging in activities that aren’t conducive to drinking, such as visiting museums, galleries, fairs, and festivals could be fun. People who don’t drink often are the most creative when it comes to choosing fun dates.

2. Create your new story and get honest.

In the spirit of 12-step recovery, which emphasizes the importance of self-honesty, aim for truthfulness in how you present yourself. If an online dating profile questionnaire asks how much you drink, don’t let fear about what others may think prevent you from checking the “Never” box. Frame out when and how you plan to reveal what inspired your decision not to drink. Simply saying that you no longer drink alcohol is enough in the beginning. When you get to know someone better then share your story from a place of an achievement you’re proud of.

3. Get clear on what you want in a partner.

If someone has an issue with you not drinking, then they clearly aren’t the right person for you and that’s okay. Decide if you would prefer to date someone who understands recovery, may even have been through it themselves or is a health enthusiast who also doesn’t drink.  While there are a lot of benefits to dating those in recovery, it can also lead to risky situations. There are often times in which one partner relapses and the other follows. If you decide that you want to date non-recovering people, it’s best to have some “clean time” under your belt and be solid in your recovery.

4. Don’t make love the new addiction.

A new relationship can very much become a replacement drug. Many confuse infatuation with love, so it’s a good idea to take it slowly. Make sure that you are at a place emotionally that can handle all of the new feelings that come with dating, and be prepared if relationships don’t go the way you expect.

5. Embrace the awkward.

Being sober will probably increase the number of awkward pauses. We’re sharper and more present when we’re not drinking, which can actually be used as an advantage to navigate conversation and ask the other person about themselves. That enables a deeper connection and more trust.

6. Keep first dates short.

The majority of first dates that extend into the wee hours of the morning are alcohol-fueled and can lead to unintended sexual activity. Go into the date with a self-imposed time frame in mind – two to three hours – and then make another date if there’s interest.

If you feel dating is hard enough and are more comfortable with dating others who practice a sober lifestyle, there are many options:

https://www.singleandsober.com.

https://www.12stepmatch.com

https://www.aadatingservice.com

https://www.soberdatingservice.com

Don’t Sweat About Your Outfit

The easiest part of planning a sporting event date? What to wear! Regardless of the sport, a team T-shirt, jeans and a baseball cap are always acceptable attire. There’s no need to get gussied up in heels and a dress when you’ll be yelling with the crowd and high-fiving other fans. Not having to worry about what you’re wearing also lets you concentrate more on the date itself. You can even get away with minimal makeup and your hair pulled back in a sporty braid or ponytail for a carefree evening.

Strike Up a Conversation

The good news is that if you’ve both agreed to head to the arena, you have at least one thing in common—you like sports! Talking about this shared interest means plenty of conversation fodder about your first sporting events, favorite teams and news on your favorite player trades and coaching changes. You may even both have funny or embarrassing memories about sports teams you’ve played for in the past.

Start with Tailgating

If you’re a little nervous about the date, tailgating beforehand allows for easy activities like grilling and enjoying a few cold ones. Plus, being near other fans makes for easy and instant conversation if things are a little awkward at first. Try making this a real part of the date, if possible. Volunteer to bring a travel grill, some hot dogs and burgers, and see if cooking the meal together is something that sparks your date’s interest. It’ll make for a great pre-game activity and allow you to get to know each other beforehand. If grilling isn’t an option, stop for subs, cheesesteaks, or some other fun and “messy” food to eat together in the car before the game. It’s a nice change from candlelit dinners and five-course meals.

Put the Focus on the Game

Unlike a movie where conversation is forced to be kept at a minimum, or a fancy dinner out where conversation is pretty much the only option, heading to the game allows for a perfect medium. When action is plentiful on the field, ice or floor, you can curb the conversation and concentrate on the game. During slower periods or between innings, you can spark up discussions about your favorite players or the best stadium foods without worrying about missing anything. Even if the conversation stalls and you’ve run out of things to talk about, you have the option of commenting on the game or the crazy fans around you. Even better, stadiums are HUGE places prime for walking. Don’t be afraid to take a stroll with your date around the grounds or stadium to get those steps in and give the conversation a little boost.

Don’t think that dinner and a movie is your only option when it comes to dating. If you’re looking for a moderately priced date, the ability to dress down and entertainment that goes on for hours, grab tickets to a game. Whether the home team wins or loses, you’ll have plenty of fun just watching the game.

Adam Young is the founder of Event Tickets Center. 

1. The person says he is interested in you but then never asks you anything personal. This is a big hint, but can work both ways. At first blush it would seem that the person has no interest in you. That is possible. Another possibility is that the person has discomfort with personal relationships and this type of person is simply uncomfortable with what he considers prying. A second one is that the person does not know how to communicate well in a relationship setting. Ask further questions in order to understand why. For example, you could ask the person why he keeps bringing up X, Y, or Z but never asks anything about you. For instance, the person could always be complaining about someone stating that person lacked a certain quality, and your date, coincidentally, was always in the right. This would show that being right is more important than being present to the fact the person is on a date. This would be demonstrative of someone who is more concerned about his world than the world of you two as a couple. If he is not asking about you, pay close attention to what it is that person ‘is’ talking about, as it will give you great hints about where his head is, and, more importantly, the priority of a relationship as opposed to something else.
2. The person goes to a networking event with you but then “loses” you. This one seems to be either a situation in which the person wants you to know it was not a “date” or where the person does not want to be associated with you. Additionally, this could be the sign of a narcissistic person who sees the event as an opportunity to meet people he could otherwise not meet. However, you, who are of secondary importance, he can always talk to. Today, many people are using business networking events as a way of meeting people and going for lunch or dinner as a way of getting to know the other person without it feeling like a date, and everything that goes with it.
3. The person gets angry very quickly over something you do or say. This is not a good sign. If he finds fault with what you do, there are many ways to work it out; things take time. However, if the person has a hair-trigger temper on the first date, remember he is on his best behavior. Do, however, consider the person may be having a bad day or there may be other things at play. Try discussing the situation with the person as calmly as you can and try to understand what you have done to set him off. If that question upsets him, run, don’t walk away.
4. The person is not a team player. There are many ways in which this can be manifested. However, it can be as simple as walking ten feet ahead of you, or not helping you when you drop something. Depending on what characteristics you are looking for in a mate, this may not be important. Do keep in mind that someone who is not a team player may have other complementary characteristics such as a lack of empathy. Either way, you may not be happy around such a person for long.
5. The person claims to like you but has no physicality towards you. There could be one of three issues at play here. Don’t forget that some people still require an emotional connection before they feel comfortable with a physical one. Others may simply have no interest in you once they are in your presence, while a third group takes a very conservative view towards a physical relationship early on. Some people are sensitive and nerves affect them, making them behave differently. If, after all this, you even find it hard to achieve a kiss (even on the cheek) after a successful date, it may be time to ask the person so that you no longer invest your feelings into the relationship if it is going nowhere.
6. The person plays verbal games with you. He seems to want to be one up on you when you misunderstand something or he has to repeat something. This seems to be a common quality of a person with low self-esteem who uses these techniques to make himself feel better when a situation makes him feel inferior. This is a dangerous personality trait. This person will always find a way to make you feel smaller about yourself because that is the easiest way for him to feel better about himself. This trait is not one that goes away any time soon. How many years are you prepared to deal with this?
7. Last but not least, an oldie but still a very good barometer: the treatment of people in subservient positions. When you bring the person to a restaurant, pay attention to how he treats the restaurant staff, and hope there are some mistakes. If he speaks down to the people, you know what you’re up against. The reason I state mistakes is because it is the easiest way to cause stress and observe how the person handles it. Some people really change dramatically under stressful situations and as life has its challenges, determine if these reactions are the type you can handle over a long period of time or will you be spending a majority of your time apologizing for something that wasn’t your fault.

At the end of the day, we all go on first dates in the hopes that they become more than just that. We want to meet that person with whom we’ll share our daily lives, and add a different meaning to them. The world and school provide little training in this, one of the most important areas of our lives. We find ourselves navigating these dangerous waters ourselves, and learn as we go. Life is too short to learn all of these lessons ourselves and Relationships 901 (R901.org) has the goal of helping all of us enjoy our dating and marital lives by knowing a few guidelines that make all the difference.

Relationships901 (R901.org) is a program produced to help you overcome relationship issues in a week. Authored by well-known high-level negotiator Steven Riznyk, it demonstrates, through actual event footage, how people behave when challenged. It uses conflict resolution methods created by Mr Riznyk, who has successfully resolved kidnappings, extortion, and a host of business and marital issues. As Mr Riznyk is an avid dog lover, 25-49% of the profits will be donated to his charity supporting abused and abandoned dogs.

It was a lovely season of life.

Lovely though it was, reality inevitably invades (usually around the time that a driver’s license enters this halcyon picture). With that reality comes our children’s startling realization that parents are also actually – gasp — human beings. Although an amusing statement on its face, this can also be a difficult realization, particularly if and when a parent chooses to resume dating after a divorce or spousal loss. Many (if not most) children tend to see their parents as… well…parents. That’s fine of course, but what they may occasionally lose sight of is that parents are people too.

So how does a parent date, enjoy companionship and even fall in love again, all while enduring the scrutiny (and opinions) of their growing and/or grown children?

********

Before we bring in the kids, let’s first talk about you. Whether you are just thinking about the resumption of dating, or you have already reentered the World of Dating, you may feel overwhelmingly guilty; almost as though you’re “cheating” on your previous spouse/partner. These “cheating twinges” are a form of emotional self-punishment; to which none of us are immune. Let us first get one thing very clear. Regardless of how your previous marriage/relationship ended, the resumption of dating is absolutely, 100% perfectly normal. You are not cheating. You are not casting aspersions upon a previous life with a previous person or dishonoring any memories. You are simply moving forward into a new life (since after spousal loss of any kind, the life with which we are presented is indeed new).

I also want to remind you that loving another does not in any way diminish the love that you have for a late spouse or disparage the life that you led with an ex-spouse. It is important to recognize that the heart has an infinite capacity to love. There are no “love quotas” or limits on love and you are entitled to a life that includes companionship, love, laughter, and happiness. Just as you are learning this very important lesson, you must in turn be prepared to share this lesson with your children as well.

Now, let’s invite the children in.

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I seriously doubt that my late husband had a bigger fan on the planet than our daughter Kendall. Whether he was driving a police car, sitting on top of a horse or confined to a wheelchair and unable to speak (the results of his battle with ALS), Daddy was her idol. No one stood taller in her eyes and to this very day (and in her own words), he remains her hero…and he always will.

About two years after Mike died, I felt ready to consider dating once again. Rather than suddenly greet my then-thirteen year old with something akin to, “Guess what I’m doing on Saturday night”, I instead took her out to dinner and explained that I felt ready to open my mind to dating – long before I had met anyone or been asked out anywhere. I took great care to let her know that while I loved her daddy very much and that I always will, I also felt ready to welcome new people into my life. I made it very clear that no matter with whom I chose to spend time or even possibly fall in love, no one could or would ever replace her daddy in my heart. She understood that dating and/or the possibility of falling in love with another man bore no reflection on my love for her dad and that companionship is a normal and natural part of life’s continuum. When took this sensitive approach, Kendall readily understood that not only was it OK for me to date, it was a healthy thing to do.

If you are ready to date once again, this is a conversation that you must have with your children. By nature of the fact that you are here, if you so choose, you have a right to a life that includes companionship and you need to assert that right calmly. Help your children understand that just as your heart has the capacity to love again, they too can open their hearts to new possibilities…without feeling any kind of betrayal or disloyalty to the other parent. Simply put, this does not have to be an emotional “either/or, choose-one-or-the-other” proposition.

After making a Declaration of Dating Intent to your children, what happens if you are met with consternation, doubt, trepidation or outright hostility rather than enthusiasm and encouragement? Do not jump on the defensive…not just yet. Dig a little deeper. What specifically is causing the negative response? Are they objecting to a specific person or to dating in general? Are they concerned about the opinions of others? Is it perceived betrayal? Be willing to listen to their rationale, as there may be merit in their objections (i.e., they suspect that a prospective date is a “bad guy/gal” who may have ulterior motives or they believe that you may be in some kind of physical, emotional or financial peril).

However, if their response is along the lines of, “It’s just weird”; “What about Mom/Dad? [referring to the absent parent]”; “I just don’t want you to date” (without an attendant and solid reason) and so forth – those are not reasons enough. The reality is that if your children do not approve of you dating once again, it is a problem for them…not for you. We do not require the approval of anyone to lead our lives in positive, constructive ways and that includes our children. While children are certainly factors in our lives, they either already have or are about to go on to lead independent lives – which is exactly what we raise them to do. As such, you do not dictate how your grown children lead their lives and conversely, they do not get to dictate how you choose to live yours. In other words, and as my late daddy would say in his very Oklahoman way, “The tail does not wag the dog.”

Next and inevitably, the question of introducing the children to dates comes up and usually that question is prefaced with the words, “how” and “when”. Remember the days of introducing love interests to your parents? It is about one hundred times more difficult to bring people home to your children. Talk about going before a jury! The first and best piece of advice that I give concerning dating and children is that regardless of their age(s), do not introduce every single person with whom you spend time to them. Until or unless the relationship becomes serious (or at the very least, exclusive), no child needs to meet every single person that you date.

Of course, it is perfectly acceptable to date more than one person at a time and I strongly advocate letting your children know that you are dating. In fact, I always enjoyed sharing my dating experiences with my daughter (mostly because so many of those dates were first date/last date combos and cautionary tales). That said, children do not need to witness a rotating dating roster. It can create confusion and a sense of uncertainty if, in your children’s eyes, the front door becomes a “revolving door”. They won’t know where or with whom to put their emotions. I did a significant amount of dating in the years after my husband’s passing and with all of the dating that I did in those ensuring years, in point of fact, my daughter (who is now an adult) met only two men — the ex-boyfriend with whom I broke up over a decade ago and the man to whom I am now married. So, no matter how tempting, no matter how nice the person, even if they ask to meet the children, I strongly recommend that until or unless you have established that yours is an exclusive relationship, you should wait before any introductions are made.

Another consideration is that again, regardless of the age of your children and no matter how little or how much time has passed, they may initially have a challenging time assimilating the thought of you with another love interest, let alone actually seeing you laughing with, enjoying time with, and being affectionate with another person. Tread carefully and sensitively here. This is not the time to “spring” surprises (i.e., bringing someone home unannounced, before your children have had adequate time or notice to prepare emotionally). Prior to introducing anyone to your children or making any “statement” (verbal or otherwise) about a new relationship status, sit down with them, turn off the television, put all electronics on “ignore” and discuss taking this step in your life.

It is absolutely possible to have a successful dating life after divorce or loss and it is absolutely possible to reconcile that dating life with your life as a divorced or widowed parent. Treat your children with respect and sensitivity as you outline your dating plan, expect the same in return, and all of you may well reap the rewards of a new life filled with new love, new possibilities, and new memories to be created and treasured.

Carole Brody Fleet is the award-winning author of the #1 ranked new release in its genre, “When Bad Things Happen to Good Women…” (Viva Editions). She is also the author of “Happily EVEN After… “(Viva Editions); winner of the prestigious Books for a Better Life Award, one of the top national awards in publishing; as well as the critically praised, national bestseller, “Widows Wear Stilettos…” (New Horizon Press). A two-time contributor to the iconic Chicken Soup for the Soul book series, Ms. Fleet regularly appears as a media expert on numerous television and radio programs nationally and internationally; as well as in national and international print media. To learn more, please visit www.carolefleetspeaker.com and www.widowswearstilettos.com

1. Picture yourself in the situation ahead of time: Visualize yourself out on the date. Picture yourself in the restaurant, walking in the park, sitting in the movie theatre or whatever it is you plan to do. If you have the time, visit the location of your date ahead of time and get comfortable sitting in the situation.  This will make it easier when you are there on the real date.
2. Know that you are worthy: One of the most common problems I see in my patients going out on a first date is they sometimes feel the person they are going out with is in another league, and they aren’t worthy of being with this person. You have to put this negative self-talk in its place the moment it shows its ugly head. After all, the person would have never agreed to go out with you if he/she didn’t have interest.  Give your self-confidence a boost.  You are not a loser and you are indeed worthy of going out with this person.
3. Be ready for the unexpected and go with it: Many first dates are planned in super detail that they don’t leave room for spontaneity.  Planning is good, but being able to go with the flow is better.  Always be ready for the matinee to be sold out or the restaurant to have a two-hour wait. Be able to think on your feet and don’t let the change of plans stress you out.  The goal is to just have fun and relax.
4. Show your uniqueness: What makes you fun and interesting and worth spending time with? Your conversational topics that are different from other people and your stories that display your good qualities show uniqueness. Focus on transitioning from casual chitchat about the current location/activity to showing your uniqueness to the people you are speaking to.
5. Listen: Conversation is a two-way street. Let your date talk as much as possible and see how much you can learn about them. Ask questions, smile often and interject with a similar story that might have happened to you. The idea in conversation is to start the process of building emotional entanglement, because when you interact well with someone they are going to want to spend more time with you.
6. To kiss or not: One of the most anxiety-provoking moments on a first date is trying to determine if your date wants to kiss goodnight. Take a slow step into their personal space and notice their reaction. If they lean forward towards you, go in for the kiss. If they step, lean or jump back, then you step back and don’t go for the kiss.  If things are going well, try again on the next date.
7. Evaluate yourself after the date: Do an honest evaluation of your performance after the date, so you can improve on the things you didn’t quite do so well. Did you have fun?  Did your date have fun?  Did you tell good stories? Were you a good listener? What would you do differently next time?  Be honest with your answers if you really want to get better.

Over the last 14 years, Colin Christopher has been in front of over 250,000 people throughout North America and shared stages with world-class speakers like Bob Proctor, Steve Siebold and Brian Tracy. He’s a sought after authority in hypnosis and has been a guest expert on radio and television for shows on ABC, CBS, FOX and many others. Some of his clients include McDonalds, Bell Mobility, and Princess Cruise Lines. He’s a Clinical Hypnotherapist, Hypnosis Instructor and Author of the Book Success Through Manipulation: Subconscious Reactions That Will Make or Break You. Please visit www.colinchristopher.com.www.colinchristopher.com and www.manipulatethedate.com Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/colinchristopher Twitter @ColinOnTV

However, it was a non-widowed gentleman who recently helped me realize that I have inadvertently omitted a very important component of dating education: How does one date a widow or widower?

This gentleman was so concerned about asking a widow out that he took the time to write and ask:

“I recently met a widow and I really like her a lot. I want to ask her out to dinner and get to know her better, but I’m scared of saying or doing something wrong and inappropriate. I don’t want to be offensive. What do you think? Can you give me some tips on how to date a widow?”

I was touched that this gentleman was so concerned about his prospective date’s feelings that he would ask for advice. With the help of widowed who share their experiences (as well as one or two of my own), following are helpful suggestions for dating the widowed [bracketing is added for clarification]:

Please Don’t Be Afraid

While at a synagogue function, I met a gentleman who appeared to be interested in me… until he inquired as to my marital status. When I told him that I was widowed, he physically took two steps backward. He was literally backing away from me! The first words that came out of my mouth before I could stop myself were, “Really, it’s not contagious”. Sad to say, while he was the first encounter who behaved in this curious manner, he was not the last.

I assure you that the widowed are not scary. Talking to widowed is not scary. Spending time with a widowed is not scary. You will not catch a severe case of Death by being in a widowed person’s space. Embrace the fact that you are in the presence of a person who has survived one of the worst experiences imaginable and possesses more strength than many will ever realize.

Don’t Take “No” Personally

Terry S. was asked out by a gentleman from her church who knew that she was widowed. What he did not know was that she was just not ready to date at that point. Explains Terry, “I felt so bad saying no to him but I knew that I wasn’t ready to go out with him or any man. I was just getting back to going out with my friends. I hadn’t even gone through [my husband’s] things. What’s very sad is that after telling him no, he never spoke to me again.”

The bottom line here is that the “when” of dating again is as individual as there are widowed in the world. Some widowed are ready to date soon after their loss, others wait for years and some choose not to date at all. Still others believe themselves to be ready, give dating a try and discover that they are not quite “there” yet. “Yet” is the key word. Just because someone is not ready today does not mean that they will never be ready. If you are told “no”, do not take it personally. Remain on friendly terms and who knows…that “no” may turn into a “yes” one day.

Keep It “Light”

For the first few dates, keep the date light as to mood and surroundings. Kimlee P. shares, “I’d just started dating again after Ben died and I was only interested in casual dates. One guy took me to a very expensive restaurant on our first date. It was supposed to be very romantic I guess, but it was overwhelming. I didn’t go out again with him after that because I was scared of what he was expecting.”

Don’t misunderstand. Dimly lit restaurants with candlelight and flowers, servers in tuxedoes and strolling violinists are great – later on. Too much romance too soon can equal too much pressure – on both parties. A Sunday morning coffee or brunch, a lunch date or meeting for happy hour after work are all great ideas for the beginnings of dating.

Respect Boundaries.

Amy** had a date with someone who wanted to know the details of her husband’s death…all of them. “My husband was murdered and it took a long time before I started going out again. I got up the courage and went on a fix-up [blind date]. All he wanted to talk about was the murder – who found him, how it happened, the trial and everything else I was trying to put behind me. I cried for days after that and it was a whole year before I was brave enough to try [dating] again.”

Inquiring as to how a widowed lost their beloved is fine. In fact, it is a question that we are accustomed to answering. However, most widowed will answer that question very generally as we do not want our time with you to become all about our loss. Regardless of how a widowed lost their spouse, any ghoulish curiosity that insists on pressing for further details borders on the cruel. Accept whatever details are given, remembering that our loss was extremely painful and rehashing is not something in which we prefer to be constantly engaged. If and when a widowed is comfortable with providing more specific details, they will do so without being cajoled.

Be Patient

With rare exception, most of the widowed that I have encountered proceed slowly into dating and relationships. The reasons are many – fear of losing again, fear of getting hurt, reconciling the past with the present and future…the list goes on. Whatever their reason, you must respect the widowed’s timeline. If he or she is reticent to move ahead emotionally and/or physically, you must understand and honor their feelings. Patience, compassion and understanding are key – and when you show all three, you and your heart may be richly rewarded.

Loss is Not Funny

Let’s face it. Death is not exactly a fun, toe-tapping, lighthearted subject and attempts at humor can be one of those “nervous reflex” things, an effort to lighten the mood or assuage discomfort with the subject. However, a widowed’s loss is not funny and any attempt to make it so is not OK.

One (of many) first date/ ast date combos in my dating past involved an outing with an Australian gentleman (who proved that a cool accent does not always work). As is commonplace, he asked how my husband passed away. When I replied that Mike suffered from Lou Gehrig’s disease for over two years, Mr. Aussie replied, “He must have been one hell of a baseball player to have Lou Gehrig give him his disease”. The fact that Mike never played baseball in his life is inconsequential. The comment was grossly misplaced and insensitive.

Lesson: The words, “I’m so sorry” are really quite sufficient. Please leave the funny to professional comedians.

(A quick P.S.: Sometimes the cool accent does work. When I remarried, it was to an Englishman).

Relax…You Do Not Have to Fill Anyone’s Shoes

Call it anthropological curiosity. Call it abject boredom. Whatever the reason, a couple of years ago, I found myself watching a “How did this get so popular” television show, wherein the object is to meet someone, ostensibly fall in love and commit to a lifetime of marriage, all within a time span of approximately eight weeks.

My heart went out to one of the participants who had decided to venture back into the world of possibilities after losing his wife. The young lady for whose affection the gentleman was “competing” listened to his tragic story, and in response looked balefully at him and not-so-sympathetically groaned, “Boy, I would have some big shoes to fill”. It was moments later that this young man who had courageously stepped back into the dating world was unceremoniously booted off of the show.

When I made the decision to begin dating after my husband’s death, at no time did I pull out any figurative shoes for anyone else to fill. Why?

People are not replaceable.

Dating, companionship and love are not about shoe-filling or trying to be a replacement for someone and something that you cannot be. In other words, the only shoes that you should ever be interested in filling are your own. Do not expect the impossible of yourself – because no widow or widower is expecting it of you.

Don’t Be Threatened

It often comes as surprise to both widowed and non-widowed alike that grief and joy can occupy the same heart space. Love does not end with death, nor should it. Your widowed date can still love a departed spouse while making room for new people and experiences – including you. You need not feel threatened by memories. You are the present. You may be the promise of potentially wonderful new memories. Concentrate on what today is and what tomorrow might bring.

Should you progress into a relationship, keep in mind that a widow or widower has dates on the calendar that they may wish to commemorate (particularly if children are involved); including birthdays, anniversaries and the “angelversary” (the anniversary of a loved one’s death). Allow them the emotional room to observe what they wish, in the manner that brings them the most comfort.

Keep an Open Mind and Heart

Most importantly, keep your mind and your heart open to possibilities. Do not eliminate dating someone based upon their widowhood, no matter when or how that widowhood occurred. Being widowed shapes a person – it does not define them.

Happy dating!

**Name changed at the contributor’s request in the interest of privacy

Carole Brody Fleet is the award-winning author of the #1 ranked new release in its genre, “When Bad Things Happen to Good Women…” (Viva Editions, April, 2016). She is also the author of “Happily EVEN After… “(Viva Editions); winner of the prestigious Books for a Better Life Award, one of the top national awards in publishing; as well as the critically praised, national bestseller, “Widows Wear Stilettos…” (New Horizon Press). A contributor to the iconic Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Ms. Fleet regularly appears as a media expert on numerous television and radio programs nationally and internationally; as well as in national and international print media. To learn more, please visit www.carolefleetspeaker.com and www.widowswearstilettos.com

But single men and women with a few extra decades under their belts – and perhaps a little gray in their hair – are also in the market for romance, and they likely have a better understanding of how to turn a first date into a rewarding experience.

That’s because the over-40 crowd knows something about dating that only the wisdom of experience can teach, says Barbara Foster, a women’s studies professor and author of Confessions of a Librarian: A Memoir of Loves (www.threelovestory.com), published by Riverdale Avenue Books.

“It’s nice to enjoy a candlelight dinner with someone who gazes into your eyes instead of into a smartphone screen,” Foster says. “It’s wonderful to engage in a conversation with someone whose life experience provides a seemingly endless supply of captivating topics to discuss.”

Many older singles, out of the dating scene for a while, might be reluctant at first to venture back into the world of romance. They may just recently have become single again after being divorced or widowed, and may not appreciate the advantages their years of experience give them, Foster says.

“I understand the hesitancy some people have,” she says. “They may have had one partner for years, and never expected to be unattached and available again. It could be that the last time they were on a first date, Gerald Ford was president. It’s natural that there might be some nervousness at first, but that will pass.”

She says there are several reasons why dating is more rewarding among the older set:

• A man who is experienced with women should be less anxious or competitive. He’s likely to be more at ease and can focus on his romantic partner as a person.
• Mature people have spent time traveling, seeking out adventures and becoming educated. They have memories and feelings to share about their experiences and can converse about a much wider ranger of topics than the plot twists in the latest “Star Wars” movie. (Although they possibly can discuss that, too.)
• A woman who has been married or involved is likely to know how to entertain because she’s had the opportunity to play hostess, probably many times over. If you’re lucky, she may even cook, Foster says.
• Mature people know how to speak in affectionate sentences longer than “lol.” They also are more accustomed to working for what they want, which includes showing you a good time.

“They say youth is wasted on the young, and sometimes maybe romance is, too,” Foster says. “Certainly, young love is wonderful. But romance for older folks can be even better.”

Barbara Foster has worked as a college librarian and as an associate professor specializing in Women’s Studies at the City University of New York. She has published numerous articles on education and travel, as well as more than 200 poems in literary journals under the name Belladonna. Her latest book is Confessions of a Librarian: A Memoir of Loves (www.threelovestory.com).

A man who dates with the belief that senior women should be amenable to first date sex is way out of touch with reality. It’s not that senior women aren’t interested in sex because they are, but their sexuality is connected with being in a committed relationship, which obviously precludes first date sex. A senior guy’s libido isn’t his best asset for becoming sexual. Patience, compassion, kindness, and an emotional vocabulary are.

The 60s Are So Over

60s free love sex no longer holds any allure for most senior women, and men who respect this will discover they’re more appealing. Pressuring a woman for sex on a first date is wildly inappropriate, and that type of dysfunctional behavior is likely to ensure a first date is the last.

Seniors were hormonally driven in the sex, drugs, and rock and roll era, and we “shacked up” with each other without giving living together a whole lot of consideration. Our living arrangements resembled musical chairs as we moved from one live-in relationship to the next. Few of us mourned the loss of what were primarily sexual partners because there were an ample number of free love adherents to fill the gap.

Stellar Character

But senior women have long since moved on. In the interim they raised our children, often as single mothers, developed intimate friendships with other women, had careers, and achieved equal rights. These stellar women rarely complained about the challenges they faced at work or at home, and they overcame their issues collectively and effectively. These women developed strength of character fighting adversity with steadfast resolve, and they prevailed.

No Short Cuts

So the notion senior women with stellar character would be interested in meaningless sex is just wrongheaded. The sexual experiences thousands of senior women readers have shared in their comments make it clear that a sexual relationship for them, like fine wine, won’t happen before its time. A senior woman dates to meet a life partner, and she’s acutely aware that casual sex is not a viable path leading to that goal.

Unconscious Entanglements

Senior women have learned from experience that after the initial, first date sexual charge is gone, two people still don’t know each other. And the odds against two sexual strangers caught up in an unconscious entanglement becoming life partners are daunting at best. Senior women want to increase their chances for a successful relationship by getting to know a man on an emotional basis before becoming sexually intimate, which epitomizes smart dating.

The way to a man’s heart may be through his stomach, but the way to a woman’s heart, is through her heart.

Ken Solin is a Dating Expert for The Huffington Post, AARP, About.com, and Maria Shriver, and has written about boomer sex, dating, and relationships for a decade. Ken wrote The Boomer Guide To Finding True Love Online. It offers real-life boomer dating solutions.  Ken’s website, www.kensolin.com offers articles, videos, and blogs about boomer dating.

While nearly every senior dater wants romance, it’s a serious mistake to think a first date should be romantic. First dates are to get acquainted, not fall in love. And if you’re a senior who still doesn’t understand a first date is an interview, you’ll continue squandering valuable time on second and third dates that lead nowhere.

Flawed And Foolish

The notion of getting swept off your feet on a first date is a rescue fantasy reflective of a goofy teenager. And a senior dater who believes in love at first sight is totally clueless. A productive first date means gleaning important information, and this requires a clear head, a game plan, and the ability to use both effectively.

No Candles Please

Senior guys love to wine and dine women on first dates because they harbor a flawed fantasy about appearing romantic. But dinner with a total stranger in a romantic setting is wrongheaded because reality takes a back seat to fantasy. Falling in love on a first date is actually falling in lust, and every senior man or woman should know the difference. Asking the right questions on a first date can determine whether or not a second makes sense, which is why coffee dates are preferable to dinner dates.

Safety Factor

A coffee date in a busy café is safe, and it’s not impolite to say thank you and leave at any point if you feel you’re wasting your time. You can learn what you need to know on a first date simply by asking the right questions. There are six questions I asked on forty-nine coffee dates over eighteen months before meeting my partner, who was number fifty. She answered every question perfectly and cleverly turned them around on me. I’ll detail the six questions in my next article, but here are two in abbreviated form.

EQ

You want to find out whether your date has EQ, Emotional Intelligence, because absent EQ, all arguments remain circular and never get resolved. Absent learned EQ skills relationships bog down until one or both partners surrender. If you ask your partner how they’re feeling, you don’t want to hear what they think. And teaching a new partner EQ skills isn’t an option because that dynamic puts partners on an uneven playing field.

This isn’t a candle-lit, dinner question because the dinner would most likely devolve into an uncomfortable standoff. But it’s a perfect coffee date question.

History Matters

Relationship history is important. It’s a bad sign if someone can’t articulate their part in a failed relationship and explain what they learned from the experience. Another critical question not suited to a romantic dinner. Past relationships can predict future relationship success or failure. Someone not willing to take responsibility for their part in a failed relationship won’t take responsibility for their behavior in yours either.

Intelligent Dating

Your dating ego shouldn’t include the belief that you’re smarter than everyone else regarding first date romantic dinners. You’ll leave those dates knowing little if anything about someone’s most important qualities. Romantic dates are not smart first dates.

Ken Solin is a Dating Expert for The Huffington Post, AARP, About.com, and Maria Shriver, and has written about boomer sex, dating, and relationships for a decade. Ken wrote The Boomer Guide To Finding True Love Online. It offers real-life boomer dating solutions.  Ken’s website, www.kensolin.comoffers articles, videos, and blogs about boomer dating.

1. Be Decisive

Don’t waste time with people who are not marriage material or do not treat you well. I know it gets lonely sometimes; however, spending time with a person who you are too embarrassed to introduce to friends, family and colleagues is a complete waste of time.

Your romantic partner has a huge impact on you and your life. If things aren’t going the way they should, make moves to free yourself up and be available for a relationship with someone who wants what you want.

Act like other highly effective professionals who aren’t afraid to be decisive and to make tough calls quickly when circumstances require it. Once you have all the information you need to make an informed decision, then don’t hesitate–make it. And once you make a decision, then stick with it unless there is a particularly compelling reason for you to change it.

2. Be Proactive

Stephen R. Covey’s bestseller, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, notes that you have to be proactive if you want to achieve success. Super productive people understand that achievement doesn’t happen magically on its own. The same applies to finding love in 2015.

If you passively wait to meet someone special in the supermarket, or on the subway, you will probably have to wait a very long time or it may never happen at all. You would never take such a haphazard approach at work so why would you do that when looking for a mate?

3. Prioritize

It is impossible to meet someone special if you don’t make time for a personal life. Don’t work 60-80 hours a week and then go straight home.

If you don’t have clear objectives, time will pass without any progress. Carve time out to be social. Sign up for a running club or designate one day a week to go out to singles events.

4. Commit

Don’t let FOMO (fear of missing out) or not meeting someone immediately deter you from your objective. Remember, you could do everything right and still not meet someone special right away. You have to remain committed and stay the course. Focus on the final goal!

5. Have Confidence

Don’t view a few bad dates as a failure or that you will never find love. Each date, only brings you closer to that perfect someone.

Highly effective professionals know deep down inside they can accomplish anything they set their minds to. Failure is not an option.

Have you ever met someone who was not “your type”; but the person had such confidence you wanted to be in their presence? Self–confidence is always sexy!

6. Be Optimistic

We all want to work with and date people who have a glass half full perspective rather than a doomsday attitude. Resist the temptation to be sarcastic when meeting a new person. You may think you are smart and witty, but actually you are just coming across as defensive, rude and biting. Keep the end in mind as you approach dating.  You have to give people the benefit of the doubt if you want to have the possibility of exploring a long-term relationship.

7. Network

Tell as many people as possible that you would like to meet someone new and special. Just like when seeking a job, the best introductions and hidden gems come from like-minded people.

In addition, sigh up for online dating to compliment your offline activities.There are a myriad of sites out there. Just find the one that suits your needs best!

Just make sure you don’t hide behind the computer for too long- it creates a false sense of intimacy. The only way to get to know someone is face to face.

Dana Michel is the founder of a new dating site, Marriage Material, that has over 20,000 new members; it sets no limits as to sexual preference, race, religion, age or professional status; all people are welcome. For more information, visit www.marriagematerial.co.