We are increasingly irritated. Frustrated. Angry. Sometimes we know why, but often not. We’ve read all the online advice columns: exercise, stress-reduction meditations, blah-blah-blah.

Often our irritation has something to do with what our spouse has just done (or not done). Sometimes we’re irritated by the way our spouses do things. (We hadn’t been around to see this before).

Dishes in the sink, dishwasher issues, bathroom habits, taking off shoes/boots before walking around newly cleaned floors, laundry, where things should go, etc., may be the presenting problems, but lurking just behind them are core issues of how we soothe ourselves as individuals (which often occurs when the other person isn’t around). Excessive drinking, smoking weed, pornography, masturbation, and other nonproductive lazy time may not have been what the World Health Organization meant when they urged people to use self-soothing strategies that have worked for them in the past, but as Americans we do what we believe we have to do to not lose our minds when we are receiving the dual messages that “this, too, shall pass” and “there will be a lot of deaths”.  Which one should you get ready for? Both?? If I’m getting ready for death, my behaviors will probably look different from getting ready to return to work next month.

Reuters reports that market investments in the makers of chocolates, legal weed, and alcohol are being rewarded well, and the smart money is going to buying shares of Novo Nordisk, the world’s biggest maker of diabetes treatments. It seems that the stock market is banking on us coming out of this fatter and more substance-dependent than we went into it.

And couples are faced with the living reality of the words of an old Dan Hicks song: “How can I miss you when you never go away?”

The truth is that almost all of us are woefully unprepared for the idea of irritation being an ordinary, expectable part of relationships, rather than understanding that every relationship goes through phases of harmony, disharmony, and then repair—every week! Sometimes every day! Sometimes several times a day! We’ve been primed to see irritation and aggravation as a sign that something is seriously wrong with this relationship. Perhaps it is a “sign” that the End is Near, that divorce is up ahead. (A lot of speculation is circulating about what the divorce rate will be, coming out of these months. Or . . . the birth rate nine months from now.)

I know of one marriage that began years ago with one partner—from the first month of marriage—obsessively reading an old advice column called “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” in the now-defunct magazine Ladies’ Home Journal. She was focused strongly on “looking for signs” of failure. She was hypervigilant for things careening off the tracks. Sure enough, her marriage derailed, fulfilling her expectations. The things that were irritating and annoying about her spouse? They were all signs that it was a bad marriage that had to end. And it did.

Motorcyclists—and airplane pilots—are familiar with the idea of “object fixation.” If there is a dead skunk in the middle of the road and you are approaching it on your motorcycle, should you be foolish enough to stare at it and stare at it and tell yourself, “Oh, my God, there is a dead skunk in the middle of the road, right there! What if I hit it?” You will probably hit it. Why? Because we go where we are looking to go. This is literally true on a motorcycle. The lifesaving move on a motorcycle is to look for the safe path around the dead animal in the road. If you want to stare at anything, stare at that! The same thing is metaphorically true for a marriage, or relationship.

If you come to understand that being aggravated and irritated with your partner during this quarantine is as normal and to be expected as the sun rising in the morning and setting at night, you will understand that everything is going the way it is supposed to go. And that the small things can be talked about—laughed about, ultimately—if they aren’t made out to be “proof” of a failed, or failing, relationship. They are merely aggravating. There are ways of talking these things through and of sparing yourself the painful self-harm of accumulated resentments.

If there is a deep pool of love and affection between the two of you, beneath the aggravation and ordinary irritations of everyday life in close quarters, both partners will emerge from this with a more intimate connection than ever before.

Just don’t expect your partner (or yourself) to lose the irritation part. It might not be about what it was about yesterday. “It’s always something . . .,” the pessimists sigh.

Yes, it is. But so is intimate repair work. That, too, is always something. Something to celebrate.

Jerry Sander is a couples therapist in New York who specializes in Relational Life Therapy. He is the author of the novel, Convergence, and is at work on an episodic memoir titled “The Guyland.” For more information please visit www.rusa-ie.com and www.buzzsprout.com/987001.

1. In-laws:I see this issue with one out of every four couples I counsel. It can be the overbearing mother who cannot let her son grow up, or the stubborn father who never seems to think anyone is good enough for his daughter. But the most common theme I see is one partner doesn’t feel supported by the other partner when that partner has poor boundaries with their parents.

 If your parents tend to be over-involved in your life, there’s a good chance that it will end up showing up in your relationship. It’s crucial to have healthy boundaries with your parents, especially if you plan on entering or maintaining a serious relationship.

2. Money: It’s likely that both you and your partner had your own separate relationships with money before you met each other. There’s also a strong possibility that you each had different views on what was prudent to spend money on. Money isn’t always about money; it can also represent what you invest in the relationship. Do you both invest in your own way to the point where it feels like you’re a team? Even if the dollar amount contributed isn’t the same, it should feel on many levels like the relationship is a mutual investment. No relationship is 50/50 — not even when it comes to money — but there should feel like a balance between two partners on how much they invest in the relationship personally and financially.

3. Competing needs: This is a big one. Put simply, sometimes you have needs that are completely different from your partner’s, and vice versa. It’s not always an issue, but when these needs are opposing, there can be complications. For example, you might need more connection and intimacy, while they need more space and alone time. Even though this is extremely common, it often turns into feelings of rejection and all kinds of other misconceptions. Simple communication and reassurance can help quell any pain points with competing needs.

Let’s say you’re the partner who needs space. It would be helpful to reassure your partner by saying something like, “Hey honey, I love you very much, and right now I need a little alone time to just decompress. Let’s make a date night to spend quality time together tomorrow.” That way, your partner hears your needs while you also commit to a time where you’ll fulfill theirs, too. Compromise is important here, especially if we have competing needs.

Jessica Baum, LMHC is the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach and creator of the Self-Full^® method — a therapeutic path to personal wellness and freedom from codependence. Jessica holds an undergraduate degree from Fordham University and a master’s degree in mental health counseling from South University.

As a certified addiction specialist, her focuses are chemical abuse, codependency,  and anxiety. She is also a certified Imago Therapist, bringing her compassionate and effective relationship counseling experience to families, couples, and family programs within addiction treatment centers. Jessica has extensive training in psychodrama and experiential therapy, and is additionally skilled in cognitive and dialectical behavior therapy. Her training also includes EMDR and Post Induction Therapy, and she has a wealth of experience supporting trauma patients.

Jessica’s own personal core belief is centered around the importance of connection, both to oneself and the outside world. She believes the crux of most personal struggles can be attributed to a lack of true understanding and personal connection, and that it is this sense of disconnection that ultimately leads to pain. Jessica founded the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach to help heal, foster happiness, and restore hope in the individuals and families she works with. Learn more at www.RelationshipsPB.com and www.JessicaBaumLMHC.com.

Many women who are fulfilling career ambitions, focusing on meeting financial goals, traveling and having fun with friends and family are perfectly fine with their singleness. When Valentine’s Day rolls around, more single women want to treat it as an excuse to have some fun. To keep the positive momentum going, here six positive ways to celebrate singlehood this Valentine’s Day.

1. Plan a trip.

While everyone else is out getting overpriced meals and mediocre service, declare a date-night with yourself setting the goal to plan a solo trip to see friends or family or explore another city. Many single women make the mistake of forgoing travel because they want a boyfriend to travel with. They end up burning themselves out with too much work and no play. Planning a trip is a fun, forward-thinking activity that inspires creativity, imagination, and optimism. When you are single you have the freedom to travel the way you want. You don’t need to consider anyone else.

2. Spruce up your surroundings.

When we get into nesting mode, we honor ourselves and our single status. Tidying up and simply adding new throw pillows to a sofa, a new bedspread, a new shower curtain, and some candles can add new energy to your space.

Another great way to celebrate your singlehood on Valentine’s Day is to decorate as you see fit. When we feel great in our living space, we are more productive. Many single women find they enjoy being able to redecorate without having anyone else offering their opinion.

3. Host a party.

Celebrating Singlehood on Valentine’s Day can be a blast when you invite other singles over for a fun pot luck dinner or cocktail party. Share funny dating stories, play some great music and enjoy some quality time with friends. When people enter relationships, they have less time for their friends. Single people who have a solid group of friends always have something fun going on. What is interesting is the more a person loves their single life, is confident and happy on their own, the more attractive they become to others.

4. Pamper yourself.

Schedule your hair cut, facial, massage and declare a day of self-pampering. Many salons and spas offer Valentine’s Day specials and packages so take advantage. Some even offer after work treatments so you can go straight from work and indulge. Treating yourself to a day of beauty is a great way to tend to yourself. Single women have the time to focus on their beauty routines without anyone asking how much they spend on eyebrow waxing, facials, highlights, blow-outs, and anything else you choose to do..

5. Go shopping… online.

Be your own Valentine and buy yourself a present or several presents for that matter! Perhaps there’s a nice dress, handbag, shoes or fragrance that you’ve been wanting to treat yourself to. Celebrate your awesomeness with a splurge. When we shop, we get a dopamine hit, hence the term retail therapy. The key is not to let it get out of control. Set a budget and the intention to enjoy yourself. Buy yourself something that a man typically would such as jewelry. There’s something very empowering about a woman buying herself a beautiful and symbolic piece of jewelry.

6. Eat the candy.

Who doesn’t love chocolate? You’re your own greatest Valentine! Grab yourself your favorite Valentine’s Day candy box and allow a sweet treat. Want an endorphin boost? Eat some chocolate. Endorphins are stress minimizers and help boost our immune systems. Ladies who revel in their singlehood have no problem treating themselves to some chocolate covered berries and champagne.

Cheers to you and cheers to being single.

Dr. Sanam Hafeez PsyD is an NYC based licensed clinical psychologist, teaching faculty member at the prestigious Columbia University Teacher’s College and the founder and Clinical Director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services, P.C. a neuropsychological, developmental and educational center in Manhattan and Queens. Dr. Hafeez masterfully applies her years of experience connecting psychological implications to address some of today’s common issues such as body image, social media addiction, relationships, workplace stress, parenting and psychopathology (bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, etc…). In addition, Dr.Hafeez works with individuals who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), learning disabilities, attention and memory problems, and abuse. Dr.Hafeez often shares her credible expertise to various news outlets in New York City and frequently appears on CNN and Dr.Oz. Connect with her via Instagram @drsanamhafeez or www.comprehendthemind.com

Researchers analyzed videotaped conversations between 87 middle-aged and older husbands and wives who had been married for 15 to 35 years, and tracked their emotional interactions over the course of 13 years. They found that as couples aged, they showed more humor and tenderness towards another.

HUMOR AND AFFECTION INCREASE AS THE ANNIVERSARIES ROLL BY

Overall, the findings, published in the journal Emotion, showed an increase in such positive behaviors as humor and affection and a decrease in negative behaviors such as defensiveness and criticism. The results challenge long-held theories that emotions flatten or deteriorate in old age and point instead to an emotionally positive trajectory for long-term marrried couples.

“Our findings shed light on one of the great paradoxes of late life,” said study senior author Robert Levenson, a UC Berkeley psychology professor. “Despite experiencing the loss of friends and family, older people in stable marriages are relatively happy and experience low rates of depression and anxiety. Marriage has been good for their mental health.”

Consistent with previous findings from Levenson’s Berkeley Psychophysiology Laboratory, the longitudinal study found that wives were more emotionally expressive than their husbands, and as they grew older they tended toward more domineering behavior and less affection. But generally, across all the study’s age and gender cohorts, negative behaviors decreased with age.

“Given the links between positive emotion and health, these findings underscore the importance of intimate relationships as people age, and the potential health benefits associated with marriage,” said co-lead author Alice Verstaen, who conducted the study as a Ph.D. student at UC Berkeley and is currently a postdoctoral fellow at the VA Puget Sound Health Care System.

The results are the latest to emerge from a 25-year UC Berkeley study headed by Levenson of more than 150 long-term marriages. The participants, now mostly in their 70s, 80s and 90s, are heterosexual couples from the San Francisco Bay Area whose relationships Levenson and fellow researchers began tracking in 1989.

In their investigation of marital relationships, researchers viewed 15-minute interactions between spouses in a laboratory setting as they discussed shared experiences and areas of conflict. They tracked the emotional changes every few years.

The spouses’ listening and speaking behaviors were coded and rated according to their facial expressions, body language, verbal content and tone of voice. Emotions were coded into the categories of anger, contempt, disgust, domineering behavior, defensiveness, fear, tension, sadness, whining, interest, affection, humor, enthusiasm and validation.

AN INCREASE IN OVERALL POSITIVE EMOTIONAL BEHAVIORS

Researchers found that both middle-aged and older couples, regardless of their satisfaction with their relationship, experienced increases in overall positive emotional behaviors with age, while experiencing a decrease in overall negative emotional behaviors.

“These results provide behavioral evidence that is consistent with research suggesting that, as we age, we become more focused on the positives in our lives,” Verstaen said.

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In addition to Levenson and Verstaen, co-lead authors of the study are Sandy Lwi, a researcher at the San Francisco Veterans Affairs Medical Center, and Claudia Haase, an assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University.

It takes time and effort to develop trust and intimacy and the deep love that sustains a couple over many years and through the rough patches. It takes sacrifice and compromise and putting another person’s wants and needs ahead of your own. These are timeless truths.

Yet it seems that the ways in which relationships develop – or fail to develop – have changed.

My dating clients find that prospective partners come and go before either person has even had a chance to evaluate the potential for a lasting relationship. “What’s going on?” he asks.

“Do we have ‘relationship attention deficit disorder’?

Have our lives become so fragmented and our attention so distracted that we can no longer focus long enough to form a strong bond with a potential life partner?”

It would appear that that is indeed often the case. Life moves fast. We expect everything to be easy, every need to be instantly gratified, often without human interaction. Dinner is delivered to our door. Directions are spoken into our ears. Alexa answers every question. The thrill is in the new – in the chase – and when the excitement wears off or when one party opens up and shows some vulnerability, it’s easier to tell yourself that you’re bored or that “things are getting too intense” and run away than to open up and really get to know someone on a deeper level. When a new date can be found with a swipe, why take the time to let a real relationship develop?

One of the most important ways in which the dating game has changed is that the age-old assumption that dating is a prelude to a committed relationship no longer holds, or at least not for everybody.

There is often a mismatch of intentions,” he says, “when only one party views dating as the means to finding a life partner and the other just wants to hang out, hook up, and move on – to live just for the moment, not for the future.

A 2016 study* found that as many as one-third of unmarried serious relationships are “asymmetrically committed,” that is, one partner is completely devoted and oriented toward a long-term future and the other is enjoying the convenience of the relationship but is not invested in or committed to it.

Many of these relationships break up, with all the attendant conflict and heartbreak. While the relationship may have been serious, it was hardly happy.”

The elephant in the room is technology.

It is in every aspect of our lives, especially our social lives. Our social media selves – what we choose to show and tell the world – become more real than our true selves.” What we truly want and need is sublimated to the superficial projection of a life that doesn’t really exist. The same is true of projecting an image of a perfect relationship while losing sight of the reality of two flesh-and-blood people who can’t possibly live up to that image. “And when our primary means of communication is the text message – with anxiety and resentment surfacing when responses aren’t instantaneous – there’s little opportunity for real understanding and empathy.”

Given this environment, how are we to manage our dating lives? How do we develop relationships that strengthen and deepen over time, that don’t fall apart at the first sign of trouble? Here are some suggestions:

• Put down the phone!  In one form or another, social media is here to stay. It isn’t necessary to delete your account or to keep those romantic photos to yourself but it is important to recognize that there’s more to your relationship than professing your love to hundreds of friends. Invest time not in posting updates but in developing real intimacy and working on the quality of the interactions with your partner.
• Put down the phone!  Dozens of texts a day won’t put your relationship on firmer footing. Make time to talk to each other – openly and honestly, with your full attention – about what matters, about hopes and dreams, about how you each feel about your relationship.
• Put down the phone!  Don’t snoop on your partner’s phone. Whether or not you find something damaging to the relationship, no good will come of breaking the bonds of trust. Once broken, trust is hard to rebuild. If something is bothering you enough to tempt you to snoop, talk about it.

I don’t mean to imply that technology is at the root of all relationship problems, but there is some irony in the fact that a communication device may be the very thing that is getting in the way of meaningful communication.

And the only route to a lasting relationship is through meaningful communication. When you meet someone new, do you let them know that you hope to build a lasting relationship? Or, for fear of frightening them off, do you play along with the casual sex and good times in the hope that something deeper will develop? There is no right answer but as in everything, honesty is the best policy. In this or any other time, the only way to avoid ‘relationship ADHD’ is through open and honest communication.”

Alex Dimitriu, MD, is double board-certified in psychiatry and sleep medicine and is the founder of the Menlo Park Psychiatry & Sleep Medicine Center in Menlo Park, CA.

* Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., Scott, S. B., Kelmer, G., Markman, H. J., & Fincham, F. D. Asymmetrically committed relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, October 2016 http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407516672013

A release from the publisher notes that people who engage more frequently in interpersonal touch enjoy better physical and psychological health and improved relationships. Theorists have proposed that interpersonal touch benefits well-being by helping to buffer against the deleterious consequences of psychological stress, and touch might be a particularly effective buffer of interpersonal conflict. This possibility holds important potential implications for health and well-being because conflicts with others are associated with a large range of deleterious psychological and physical outcomes. However, the generalizability of past research on this topic is limited because studies have largely focused on the role of touch in romantic relationships.

In the new study, Murphy and colleagues focused on hugs — a relatively common support behavior that individuals engage in with a wide range of social partners. The researchers interviewed 404 adult men and women every night for 14 consecutive days about their conflicts, hug receipt, and positive and negative moods. Receiving a hug on the day of conflict was concurrently associated with a smaller decrease in positive emotions and a smaller increase in negative emotions. The effects of hugs may have lingered too, as interviewees reported a continued attenuation of negative mood the next day.

While correlational, these results are consistent with the hypothesis that hugs buffer against deleterious changes in affect associated with experiencing interpersonal conflict. While more research is needed to determine possible mechanisms, according to the authors, the findings from the large community sample suggest that hugs may be a simple yet effective method of providing support to both men and women experiencing interpersonal distress.

The release quotes Murphy as saying, “This research is in its early stages. We still have questions about when, how, and for whom hugs are most helpful. However, our study suggests that consensual hugs might be useful for showing support to somebody enduring relationship conflict.”

When it comes to dating, “let’s grab a drink” is often the go-to first-date invitation. Many opt to cure first-date jitters with a libation or two to chill out and feel more comfortable.  But what happens if you are a recovering alcoholic and you can’t opt for liquid courage to get you through those awkward dating moments? For approximately 30-million Americans who identify as recovering from alcohol abuse, dating while sober is often a tricky reality. Here are some tips on how to pass on booze but not on love,

1. Take the lead and suggest a dry date.

The easiest way to maintain sobriety is to avoid situations where alcohol is present. Having several alcohol-free dating options already in mind can empower you to steer the date in a dry direction more easily.  Opt for daytime dates that are more activity-focused and get you outside enjoying quality time together away from any bar. Engaging in activities that aren’t conducive to drinking, such as visiting museums, galleries, fairs, and festivals could be fun. People who don’t drink often are the most creative when it comes to choosing fun dates.

2. Create your new story and get honest.

In the spirit of 12-step recovery, which emphasizes the importance of self-honesty, aim for truthfulness in how you present yourself. If an online dating profile questionnaire asks how much you drink, don’t let fear about what others may think prevent you from checking the “Never” box. Frame out when and how you plan to reveal what inspired your decision not to drink. Simply saying that you no longer drink alcohol is enough in the beginning. When you get to know someone better then share your story from a place of an achievement you’re proud of.

3. Get clear on what you want in a partner.

If someone has an issue with you not drinking, then they clearly aren’t the right person for you and that’s okay. Decide if you would prefer to date someone who understands recovery, may even have been through it themselves or is a health enthusiast who also doesn’t drink.  While there are a lot of benefits to dating those in recovery, it can also lead to risky situations. There are often times in which one partner relapses and the other follows. If you decide that you want to date non-recovering people, it’s best to have some “clean time” under your belt and be solid in your recovery.

4. Don’t make love the new addiction.

A new relationship can very much become a replacement drug. Many confuse infatuation with love, so it’s a good idea to take it slowly. Make sure that you are at a place emotionally that can handle all of the new feelings that come with dating, and be prepared if relationships don’t go the way you expect.

5. Embrace the awkward.

Being sober will probably increase the number of awkward pauses. We’re sharper and more present when we’re not drinking, which can actually be used as an advantage to navigate conversation and ask the other person about themselves. That enables a deeper connection and more trust.

6. Keep first dates short.

The majority of first dates that extend into the wee hours of the morning are alcohol-fueled and can lead to unintended sexual activity. Go into the date with a self-imposed time frame in mind – two to three hours – and then make another date if there’s interest.

If you feel dating is hard enough and are more comfortable with dating others who practice a sober lifestyle, there are many options:

https://www.singleandsober.com.

https://www.12stepmatch.com

https://www.aadatingservice.com

https://www.soberdatingservice.com

Friendships can bring about some of life’s greatest joys and shared moments. But what happens when a friend makes you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells and doing something wrong? Even if she’s a close friend, it doesn’t mean she’s a “good” friend—in fact, it means she’s a toxic one.

“A toxic friendship is one where the rules go only one way,” explains Dr. Sherrie Campbell, PhD and author of Success Equations: A Path to Living An Emotionally Wealthy Life. “The toxic person always benefits while the healthy person is left confused, destroyed, and feeling like everything is her fault.”

The healthy friend can lose sleep over the situation, make errors at work, and find herself obsessing over why she isn’t “good enough.” Even when she stands up for herself, the toxic friend will shut her down, intimidate her with shards of the truth (i.e., “you got mad”), and make her feel indebted with reminders of “all the things I’ve done for you” which were calculated from the get-go. It forms a really difficult relationship for the healthy person to navigate and bring to an end. “It’s a type of bullying,” Campbell says, that causes extreme emotional damage.”

Toxic people vs. healthy people

Toxic people lack empathy and personal insight; they seem courageous because they always speak up (though what they say is mostly negative), but in reality  they’re insecure. Yes, toxic people have feelings—but their feelings are only for themselves, not their friends.

Toxic female relationships are especially unique. “Women don’t have the overt physical power that men do, so they can be much meaner,” says Campbell. “An emotionally unhealthy woman will cut from all angles out of jealousy; she’ll clan up, get your other friends involved, and destroy those friendships, too.” And the more she has to compare—kids, marriage, jobs, money—the meaner she will be.

Emotional abuse and “faux-pologies”

Toxic relationships are extremely hard to define because there are no physical scars; emotional abuse runs deep and is difficult to prove. Plus, we’re all imperfect human beings who act unfair and selfish at times—but a healthy person will genuinely apologize for one-off conduct, while a toxic person exhibits these behaviors unapologetically because in her mind, she’s always right. She may give you a faux-pology (“sorry you feel that way” or “you’re being too sensitive”), but that’s slyly placing the blame on you.

And so begins the vicious cycle. A normal, healthy adult cannot grasp such heinous behavior so she’ll look to validate what the toxic friend is saying. “We inadvertently help our own abuse because we think there has to be a reason for the toxic person’s bullying accusations when there simply isn’t,” says Campbell.

Toxicity is progressive

Long-term friendships can also become toxic, and these are the hardest relationships to realize. How is it possible to not recognize the person your close friend has become over time?

Toxicity is progressive: the more a toxic person can master manipulation, the more she’ll continue to do it, causing her abhorrent behavior to get shockingly worse with age.

But somewhere deep down, the toxic person was always toxic. We often befriend new people in times of vulnerability: when we’re young, pregnant, or in a new place. Everyone is nicer—and a toxic person will try to emulate the healthy person’s demeanor. “A toxic woman must always be the expert, so she seeks good behavior to copy without having to do any of the work,” explains Campbell. “But being nice isn’t natural to her, and as soon as she realizes she isn’t better than you, she will be mean in attempt to destroy what she envies.”

Let silence be the final word

While it’s much easier said than done, the only way to get out of a toxic relationship is to completely cut ties with the toxic friend—no explanation given. “People don’t change and empathy is not something a person can learn,” says Campbell. “If she has a thread to you, she will manipulate it by trying to get you back to bring you down again, or to trash-talk you behind your back.”

So you have to walk away, suppress any urge to reach out to her, and block her from all social channels. Social media smear campaigns are big these days, and if that happens, unfortunately, others will believe the toxic person because she’s scary. She’ll tarnish your positive reputation—something healthy people care about—with no remorse.

And most importantly, don’t answer her when she tries to “apologize” (she will, Campbell assures) “Toxic people want emotional reactions and attention, and that’s it,” explains Campbell. “She doesn’t care if you’re giving her the positive attention of love or the negative attention of tears, which means the only thing you can do is not react.”

A release from the APA notes that couples with similar texting habits tend to be happier and more fulfilled, according to one study.

Researchers surveyed 205 adults between the ages of 18 and 29 who were in romantic relationships. Questions focused on emotional security, texting habits and relationship satisfaction.

Results showed that people who described their partner as having a similar texting style to themselves reported greater relationship satisfaction. In other words, couples who were more in sync with the kind of texts they sent to each other were more satisfied with their partner, regardless of whether the messages they sent were love notes or complaints about an issue in the relationship.

The release quotes Leora Trub, PhD, of Pace University, who presented the findings, as saying, “How couples texted was more important to the satisfaction of the relationship than how frequently they texted.”

Previous research has shown that couples who communicate similarly in any medium are happier in their relationships. This research extended those findings to text-based communication, according to Trub.

A second study, also presented by Trub, found that texting can bring people closer to others or create distance, depending on the motivations underlying its use.

“We text to check in with our spouse during the work day and to stay connected with friends far away, but we also text to avoid dealing with relatives at the family party and to break up with someone,” said Trub.

Trub and her colleagues developed a survey to measure people’s motivation for texting. They administered the survey to 982 adults between the ages of 18 to 29. Questions focused on possible addictive behaviors with mobile phones, levels of social anxiety and shyness and general personality traits.

Aside from finding texting functional, people also text to escape their present situation, because they are bored, or because they feel it is a better way to express themselves than talking on the phone or in person, the researchers found.

They noted the potential implications of texting as a form of escape.

“Texting can become a crutch and eventually become a barrier to creating meaningful interactions,” said Trub. “Texting all the time can also come from being lonely or bored, and that can lead to isolation and alienation.”

Trub and her colleagues noted that psychologists and counselors may be interested in their findings if they have clients who engage in unhealthy texting behaviors that may be damaging to their relationships.

On the steamier side of the spectrum, another study found that people who sexted several times a week (“frequent sexters”) and those who sexted every day or multiple times per day (“hyper sexters”) were more likely to experience conflict and ambivalence in their relationships, as well as engage in infidelity-related behaviors on social media and view more pornography.

The study included 615 adults from the U.S. and Canada who were then in committed relationships. The survey asked questions about sexting behaviors, self-esteem, relationship satisfaction, commitment, conflict and pornography use, among other topics.

People who did not sext made up the largest group in the study and were just as happy with their partners as people who did sext, the study found. Sexters did, however, report more sexual satisfaction than the non-sexting group.

The researchers also found that a greater percentage of people in same-sex relationships were frequent or hyper sexters.

“Sexting may help couples with intimacy and to spice things up, but we definitely did see the negative side of too much of a good thing,” said Michelle Drouin, PhD, of Purdue University Fort Wayne, who presented the findings during the symposium “An Update on Sexting and Future Research.”

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He was a high-ranking New York City homicide detective who moonlighted as a Hollywood stuntman. Fire suits and high falls were his specialty. Our relationship lasted five amazing years. He was supportive and enthusiastic about my budding career as a writer and I was fascinated with his glamorous and intellectually stimulating double life. Plus he was the only boyfriend I’d had so far who genuinely loved my dogs.
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What are the pros and cons of being in a romantic relationship or marriage where there’s a considerable age difference, whether it’s an older woman and a younger man or vice versa?

Before you embark on such a coupling, consider the elements of energy levels, interest in sex, ability to travel and cognitive changes and ask yourself what the realities are of a substantial age difference.

Sometimes, the realities aren’t so great. “I thought I was cradle robbing when I went out on a date with a 27-year- old when I was 45,” a friend recently relayed. “But I didn’t care for his immaturity and turned into a grouch within an hour.” A gorgeous friend in her early 60s who occasionally uses dating apps offered this opinion. “I always assume guys in their 40s or even 50s are messaging me because they’re divorced and broke and looking for a sugar mama.”

And other cases work out for the best. “My husband is 16 years older,” another friend said. “When we met, I was 27 and he was 43. It seemed like a big deal at the time. I was in graduate school, he was divorced with two kids. And I was concerned differences in our ages would become an even bigger problem later.”

“Eventually, though, I came to the realization I was happy with him. He valued the relationship and worked harder at it than the 20-somethings I’d been dating.” She said she realized they had a lot in common, politically, ethically, how they handled money. “Now he’s 63 and I’m 48, and I rarely think about it, although I was glad when he got hearing aids!” she said. Now that they’re both older, she’s more aware of health. “We’re both making an effort to eat better, get more exercise, stay in the best possible shape. I think that’s a crucial ingredient when you’re aging as a couple. The possibility of bad health does scare me, but that can happen to anyone, even without a big age difference.”

That’s not an uncommon concern:

Most people think the biggest source of anxiety in an older/younger partnership is fear of becoming someone’s caregiver or finding yourself tied to a partner who can no longer be overtly physical.

You met when you were 50 and he was 63. What drew you to each other was your mutual love of camping. You enjoy a decade of shared physically demanding experiences; hiking, golfing, tennis, skiing. Then osteoporosis, rheumatoid arthritis, macular degeneration set in. One of you or both of you require a knee or hip replacement. Ask yourself how prepared you are to be someone’s nurse, or be the one having to be looked after.

Another potential minefield is you and your significantly older (or younger) partner may be in very different places in your lives.

To revisit my relationship with the cop/stuntman, in my 20’s, even my late 20’s, I still had a lot of living to do. Him, not so much. Despite his love of travel and adventure, on a normal weekend when we were both at home, he wanted to watch tv, and I wanted to go out and boogie. I was just getting started in my career in journalism; he was thinking how long he had to go before he could put in for his police retirement and start collecting his pension. He thought my friends who were my age were young and silly; I thought his work partner who was also his best friend seemed old and settled. Socializing in either group was difficult. He’d also had been married before and had a teenager. At 26, I wasn’t ready to have children but was open to the possibility; he made it clear he was done.

But other relationhips can work out for the best. A woman whose husband is 17 years her junior recently confided that after a decade-long marriage, “I worry one day he will look at me and see an old woman. But right now we’re super happy and still having a lot of sex. And that wasn’t something I could have predicted.”