You’re Not My Sugar Daddy

By Sally Franz

My husband is delighted to know he is not my Sugar Daddy. In fact, my doctor has me sworn off sugar of all kinds. So, no Sugar Daddies need apply. I am officially pre-diabetic.

In truth, I saw this coming. My twin brother is a diabetic and so is my sister. It is in the cards. The good news is that apparently a pre-diabetic does not have to get diabetes. If I add walking or regular exercise 20 minutes a day and change my diet, I can ward off this all too common devil.

The walking or exercise seems easy enough. I love to be outside in all kinds of weather. I love a good snow storm or rainy day. Not too fond of sleet down my neck, but I have skied in worse. In fact, I may take up skiing again since the tickets are 50% off if you are over 70.

It is the diet part that is the uphill battle. Especially around the Holidays. Any Holiday. And with a Birthday in January that is every dang month in the Calendar. My Birthday, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Fourth of July, August *, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.

* August is a virtual goldmine of Holidays. Besides week-end Bar-B-Qs there is: August 4^th – National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day, August 8 – International Cat Day, August 9^th is National Book Lovers Day, August 10^th is Lazy Day, August 12^th is Vinyl Record Day, August 15 is National Relaxation Day (not sure how this differs from August 10^th), August 16th is both National Bratwurst Day and Tell a Joke Day, which seems redundant. August 18^th is National Fajita Day, August 19^th is National Potato Day, August 20^th is National Chocolate Pecan Pie Day, August 23^rd is National Sponge Cake Day, August 26 is Women’s Equality Day, all which certainly call for cake.

With so much to celebrate I would be remiss if all I did was light a lone sparkler. These occasions call for food. And food with cream, butter, salt, sugar and carbs. FYI: I once heard that fat, salt and sugar was the chemical equivalent to crack. Certainly, adding flour brings it to lethal levels.  No wonder just the thought of giving up goodies makes me break into a cold sweat. Not to make light of diabetes, I should mention that as a child I had an uncle who had both legs amputated and eventually died from Diabetes. So, I know this can be serious as um, a heart attack. (Yup, both my birth and step-father died of heart disease).

The thing is I am the Queen of rationalization in the moment. “Just this once, okay and once more and just this last time, I swear it.” Ends up with a raging sugar rush and then crash. I deny myself for just so long and then boom! I binge and imbibe umbrella drinks and gloppy goodies galore.

I once read a Weight Watcher’s recipe for coconut cream pie which started by bleaching sauerkraut and adding coconut flavoring. Um, no. At that point just eat the dang pie. Thus, I am looking for alternatives that don’t use faux sugar or canola oil. And I won’t eat store bought sugar-free desserts because I fear they have wicked bad chemicals in them. As do diet drinks (yeah, cancer runs in the family too). I need real food that won’t kill me. Too much to ask?

So far, I have found that you can make pie shells from crushed pecans, oats and oil. Jury is still out on what to fill it with. Even unsweetened fruit is too sweet unless you have a 1/32nd of a pie slice. For now, I’m dipping fresh celery stalks into cheddar-sour cream dip. I am eating peanut butter from a soup spoon.  I’m shooting 2 T of whipped cream from a can into my mouth for dessert. Carbs only 0.9 grams.

Sally Franz and her third husband live on the Olympic Peninsula. She has two daughters, a stepson, and three grandchildren. Sally is the author of several humor books including Scrambled Leggs: A Snarky Tale of Hospital Hooey and The Baby Boomer’s Guide to Menopause.